The Capricious Devotee...

...You have to follow through...

2010-11-04T09:53:00.000-07:00

Although he may be like so 2006, I really like Gavin DeGraw – and so, he occasionally comes up on my Pandora station. Just a bit ago the song “Follow Through” came on and, although I’ve heard it a good many times before, today it was profound. Why? Well, let’s explore.

“So, since you wanna be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through”

This song embodies that something in me that hates flakiness and hot-air. The motto is simple: Do what you say you’re going to do and if you’re not going to do it, don’t say it.” I expect nothing less than follow-though (or at least honestly attempted follow-through) on everything someone says as that’s the mark I strive for. Don’t always make it, but I try to acknowledge the times that I fall short – and make it known that it wasn’t for lack of trying. I’m an advocate for this being a value in everything that we do: with the people we date, at work, with our families & friends, etc…

“Follow though? Mmmkay…On every word I say? Whoa.” I’m gonna argue that this is the general attitude of most of us youngish folks these day. Follow-though is a foreign concept and holding people accountable elicits one of two usual responses: (1) blank stare or (2) anger. I once had someone ask me, what right I had to require that they keep their word. This would have been amusing if it wasn’t so sad. Why has become unreasonable to ask for someone to follow-through? Shouldn’t it be a requirement of anyone who choose to closely interact with – particularly when they’ve chosen you too? It’s simple responsibility…but no one wants to talk about that.

But let’s…

Words are powerful. They mean a lot, they can lift and carry and they wound. Words are real and too often we wield them without thinking about their gravity. We say ‘yes’ when we should be saying ‘no’ or nothing at all; we make plans and promises that we can’t keep and in turn, we disappoint people. For some reason, there’s an idea circulating around out that disappointing people isn’t our problem; that we are someone off-the-hook for the discomfort and/or inconvenience and/or hurt that we cause others. I dunno, maybe it’s from our yuppy, Me-generation, parents telling us how perfect we are – engendering selfish brats. Or maybe its just we’re emotionally lazy and it’s so much easier to divorce ourselves from others than it is to accept responsibility for them, for our words and for our failure to follow-though…

So how about it: Follow through…on every word you say.

The Politics of Birth

2010-10-13T13:49:00.001-07:00

The other day I submitted an abstract for a paper to a Women's Studies conference at a small university not too far from here. I am a serial abstract submissionist who rarely gets around to ever writing the papers, but it's October (that school spirit is in the air). I'm no longer a student, but this time of year always makes me feel all intellectual and I get the overwhelming urge to contribute something to the academy.

After attending a Reproductive Justice conference this past spring, I've been thinking quite a bit about the politics of birth or more specifically - how childbirth rights are indeed reproductive rights, and moreover...how I can get involved.

So...I have a tea-time appointment next week with a interesting (sounding) doula/midwife here in DC about the prospects of my becoming a doula myself. I'm kinda really excited about this. How earth-motherly of me.

In all seriousness, birth is the literal first stage of a child development and the first interaction it will have with it's parents and the beginning of that parent/child relationship. With this in mind, how incredibly important is it to make sure this experience is safe and healthy and educational and empowering for the families involved? But, as it's probably easy to imagine, women at the margins of society (poor women, girl mothers, queer mothers, disabled mothers, incarcerated mothers, etc...) must endure birth experiences that are much less than ideal and that rife with misinformation, negligence, abuse of power, patronization, and other injustices that start these new families out on the wrong foot. Because of who they are and what they don't have, many women enter and exit the birth experience uninformed and unsupported - something that no woman should have to do. Birth is at once physically and emotionally traumatic and, life changing, and wonderful, and on and on...

While most of this discourse removed the birth process from the topic of motherhood and parenting and family relationships, I would argue that it's essential to the discussion. Therefore, in my paper I'm going to construct and argument for (1) not privileging one expression of reproductive rights over another (abortion trumping childbirth) and (2) making sure childbirth is included at the heart of the discourse. I've printed out (and have yet to read) a bunch of interesting-looking article on this subject and I'm excited to embark on this research...

Civilian scholar - or trying to be.

Ben Harper's "Beloved One"

2010-09-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

Crazy beautiful and truthful. I love...

On confronting insecurity...and therefore, on being human

2010-09-06T10:02:00.000-07:00

Insecurity is a bitch.

It creeps up on you and effs with your head until you end up doing or believing something dumb. It's problematic if not addressed honestly.

Insecurity is also inevitable - it's simply part of the human condition. Anyone who denies dealing with it is either lying to you or themselves, or you and themselves. We all have those moments in time and/or areas within ourselves in which we just can't get it together enough to believe (really believe) we are worthy, or deserving, or good-enough, or acceptable or whatever. But, how do we deal?

Everything about us is imperfect, for sure - but isn't it all in how we deal with those many little (or big) idiosyncrasies that make us human? If so, I choose to fight this battle by reminding myself of what's true - in order to counteract those unproductive myths that foster insecurity. So, here it goes:

The good things that others see in me are probably true.

The bad things that others have expressed about me should be taken in context. Not that they may not be true, but that people with good intentions and truth to share do so with love, not negativity.

I am my own harshest critic and if I must be self-critical about anything, it should be about how I should often be kinder to myself.

It is okay to believe that I deserve really good things, because I do. It is also okay to accept good things into your life without guilt or fear.

Weapon of choice? Speak on it...

The Best Things

2010-08-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

Maybe the best things in life aren't things...but here some of the best things!

1. Kink Curly Curling Custard

Because there are so many new natural hair products out there for women of color, I'm always cheating on this stuff. But, like a lame-ass dude, I always come back. It really is the greatest styling product for curly hair...the bestest (Nicki Minaj voice)

2. Vegetarian Nachos...

In order of assembly: Tortilla chips, refried black beans, shredded cheese, sautéed mushrooms and spinach (these are the most important parts!), fresh tomato salsa (refrigerated section of the grocery store...yeah, the one with the expiration date), sour cream...

It's good - trust.

3. Trader Joe's Tea Tree Tingle Body Wash & Unscented Moisturizing Cream

Both are really pretty fantastic and cheap - $3.99 each, I think. The bodywash leaves you feeling so fresh and so clean, but not squeak-like. The lotion is thick, but not greasy and lasts all day (but has it's hard to get the last 1/4 out of the bottle)...but that's workable.

4. Jam Jar Sweet Shiraz (Wine...)

I love shiraz and I love sweet wine...BONUS! A really yummy sweet shiraz...and it comes in a cool bottle...and it's a twist-off! Easy access.

5. Janelle Monae!

Um, yeah...she's awesome (girl crushing....). She's gorgeous. She can really sing. She dresses androgynous. She's got great hair. 'nuff said...

On letting go and making room for good things...

2010-08-23T18:34:00.001-07:00

So, I unexpectedly find myself with a really good thing...actually, a really great thing.

I went somewhere random on a whim and engaged in a conversation just for the fun of it really and the rest is well...just what it is - goodness.

It was the day after this whimsical experience that I let something go, not to replace it with something else, but because I simply recognized that something had to give, even if there wasn't anything at all to fill the space left behind. But, you see, I had to release the one to experience the other, it was just the way of things. It didn't feel good at the time and was actually horrible and frightening and sad, but it opened up the space needed for what was to come next.

Some things just aren't good. Some things are painful and uncomfortable (not in a productive way) and ambiguous and other not good things that are bound to eventually outweigh any goodness that might be in them. We hold on to and sometimes even hoard these things (people, relationships, feelings, thoughts, etc...) for all sorts of different reasons that I won't speculate on here, but I'm a believer that we shouldn't. When something isn't good (or at least mostly good), let it go.

Let it go and make room for those good things that might come unexpectedly or in time or tomorrow or with patience and hope...I dunno. Just make sure that when a good thing comes to you, you are not too cluttered to receive it.

Things that just aren't cute (Part III): Silly Women

2010-08-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

*A silly woman might be seen wearing a shirt like this, but beware...it's usually not this obvious.

Women are socialized to be silly. Mary Wollstonecraft made the case in the 18th century and unfortunately it’s still true. Why? Good question. Maybe because we are still taught that femininity = sugar and spice and everything nice and nothing substantive, and although most women bust through this paradigm, we all occasionally have lapses. ‘Tis true and I’ll own up. However…there exists those women who are consistently and perhaps, hopelessly, silly – through and through. ~~They are~~ it is problematic, particularly to us everyday girls just trying to make it out there. Silly women throw other women under the bus by serving as evidence for sexist folks in their case against women’s autonomy while simultaneously making men the center of their universe. But basically, silly women are a product of a sexist environment – yep, the one we live in. Here’s the MO:

**Note the tense…there is method to the madness. Get it?

***Being equal opportunity and all, also note that silly men inhabit the categories in the first two “things that just aren’t cute” posts…I’m not being a hater

Bending over backwards to please a man that (1) doesn’t really like you and (2) just likes to be bent over backwards for

There is nothing wrong with working towards making the person you’re with happy and comfortable, but pulling out all the stops for someone that isn’t at all invested in you is just sad. Don’t do it. One can argue all day and night that women are no longer socialized to please men, but the argument crumbles next to fact that you just heard (from a silly girl friend or an opportunist ~~douchebag~~ guy friend) about some girl going above and beyond the call of duty to make a guy that doesn’t even like her feel all warm and fuzzy. While you don’t need to go throwing “bitch” at everything in pants, how about saving the “extra” for a guy that’s into you enough to appreciate it? Do it for you and do it for the rest of the women out there who have to deal with the spoiled, entitled jackasses that silly women have help spawn.

That’s right…no more fried chicken, back rubs, rides to work, and you know what else for dudes that don’t even have enough interest in (or respect for) you to take you out on a date.

Chasing after or allowing oneself to be chased by a taken man

I was going to write “unavailable” men, but men can be unavailable for many reasons – some of which are subtle enough to get the best of us. But some aren’t so subtle…like wives and fiancés and girlfriends. Word. Whether a woman is predator or prey to a taken man, just entertaining him as a would-be love interest/sexual partner is enough to move her into the realm of the ‘silly woman.’ Some men stray –
Unfortunately, it’s a given…but that’s never an excuse to act a damn fool and participate in it. By messing with a taken man you’re not only sabotaging your own integrity, but you’re also behaving in a way that violates the frickin GOLDEN RULE! No bueno. Karma is a bitch…and if you choose to dip into someone else’s pot – so are you.

Being mean and otherwise unpleasant to anyone that isn’t a guy you are interested in

Silly women are often unpleasant women not because they are silly, but because unless you’re a man they want to impress, they aren’t so nice. It’s like they have a limited capacity for kindness that they reserve for catching men (who, once caught, will no longer benefit from it). These women are often mean to other women (who they see as they enemy), to men they aren’t attracted to, to their restaurant servers, their coffee baristas...geez, they even kick puppies (but only when cute boys aren’t looking). They are the women that live out their relationships being catty and petty and competitive with other women and who mercilessly shoot down and below the belt when approached by a guy she’d rather not talk to. Silly women don’t understand the value of caring for others (in acts or words or otherwise) if there isn’t something obvious in it for them.

Okay, I’m done venting. Let’s keep it moving….

Things that just aren't cute (Part II): Being an out-of-character asshole...

2010-08-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

We all have our moments...those times that we wish we could erase or at least forget about in which we have acted like total asses. It happens and usually it's forgivable. However, there are those instances where a douchebag move is and should be a dealbreaker.

1. Telling lies or other "non-truths"

Tell no lies. Just don't. Using the excuse that people don't like to hear the truth or aren't ready for the truth or some other nonsense like that is just that, nonsense. Of course there are times when the truth is something that we don't want hear and it makes us angry or sad, but that doesn't mean most reasonable people don't appreciate it - even if only in retrospect. Telling the truth means providing other people with accurate information from which to make decisions. When you lie you essentially taking another's ability to make an informed decision about you, that's no good...actually, it's fraud.

2. Fighting unfairly

Cardinal rule of interpersonal relationships should be to always fight fairly. There will always be disagreements and maybe even fighting, but you gotta be grown-up enough to fight on the up-and-up. Which means...no name calling, no lying (see above), no using the words "always" and "never." There could be more said here, but I'll keep it basic and leave it at that.

3. Being sexist

Not cute = Dudes, who are otherwise progressive and reasonable, caught in the act of telling sexist jokes, hating on women as a group, blaming women for their own interpersonal pathologies, etc... Sexist behavior doesn't make you look like a "man," it makes you look ignorant, pathetic, whiny and just basically like a sexually frustrated guy who can't get any. Lay off the women, they are not your problem...you are.

4. Being decidedly not-chivalrous

No one needs anyone to wisk them away on a white horse, but that doesn't give you a free pass at common decency. Give up your seat on the ~~DC Metro~~ train (or at least move the hell over), open a door, help someone lift something, when out with your girl, walk on the outside of the sidewalk for her. Why? Because it shows that you care about someone other than yourself, which is one of the top three traits of a good guy.

Anything to add?

Things that just aren’t cute (Part I): Grown-ass men dudes acting like underage frat boys…

2010-08-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

*Idris Elba is fine...but would not be nearly as fine stumbling around like a San Diego State freshman...not like he would, or anything. Right, Idris?

A buddy of mine is currently living it up in Vegas for a few days and this morning I got a 9am text telling me that he had yet to go to bed and how hard he goes in the “mutha f*ckin paint,” among other things…SMH. Dude is 33. This is so uncute…

While I get that everyone at every age needs to let loose and get wild from time to time, this shouldn’t be an excuse to regress back to the nonsense of freshman days past. You might have been cool back then, but fellas…that look no longer fits – kinda like that post-college interview suit. Goodwill it and get something new, like age appropriate behavior.

This doesn’t mean you need to walk around with a stick up your a** as the icon of absolute maturity, but it does mean leaving the juvenile shenanigans to the juveniles.

Most goings-on are fair game, but how about we avoid these:

1. Public drunkenness

So you’re grown, you have a job, you have a mortgage, you handle your business – why are you trying to hard to look like you don’t? Huh?

2. Macking (or worse) on women that either appear too young for you or who are trying to appear too young for you…

Either way, this is problematic.

3. Nostalgically clinging to the “good ol’ days,” of which you hardly remember.

Word: If your early 20s were the best years of your life, maybe you should evaluate your life. Partying hard and living it up is a fun way to bide your time as you are working to get your ish together…so that you can actually live it up. If, at 28-33, you already looking to the past and not the future, well, you have some pondering to do…

4. Bragging about how hard you can party…

Dude – you are almost middle aged. No one in your age cohort is impressed by that anymore and…no one cares.

What am I missing?

I don't want to give you up either...Corinne Bailey Rae's "Closer"

2010-08-05T22:40:00.000-07:00

*If only the lyrics to this song actually worked. Damn...smh

I See You

2010-07-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

I liked the film Avatar for many reasons: I'm a geek and like special effects; I got to wear cool 3D glasses; Sci-Fi speaks to my wild imagination; the Na'vi were cooler than humans; ~~I was sitting next to a cute boy~~. But beyond all of these obvious draws, there was something small, yet really kind of profound to take away: "I see you. "Yeah...maybe you missed that...

Well, I didn't miss it and I think speaks kind of deeply to our (21st Century "Western") tendency towards self-absorption. We really like people to see us, but we aren't so good at seeing others. We spend so much time and effort and concern on getting other people to see our specialness in lieu of ever taking the time to see their specialness (and no, not that kind of specialness). Think about it, when's the last time you were with someone and they spent more time finding out about you than they did talking about them? If you've had this experience in recent memory, it's probably safe to say you remember it because it happens so very seldom. But then again, when's the last time you spent time with someone and were more concerned with getting to know them then you were in presenting yourself? Eek, right?

Yet, beyond our shameless displays of self promotion (yes, shameless), ~~all~~ most of us all are also guilty of projecting what we want to see onto others because (1) it's easier and (2) we like to see what we want to see. We do it because it's easier to understand us than it is for us to understand "them". However, they are indeed not "us," so our projections only serve to create false facades where actual, complex, interesting, people should be.

So, what does it mean to see someone? Hmm, good question. Let's explore

Seeing is Selfless
To see is to put yourself aside. It is to defer self to another. We don't like doing that because by nature, we are attention whores and we like to know other people are thinking about us, because, heck - we're thinking about us. Yep, just because we're not all dancing on tables with our shirts hiked up doesn't mean we don't like being the center of our own and everyone else's universe.

Seeing is Patient
Hmm, how so? Well, seeing means waiting for the other person to reveal themselves - as quickly or as slowly as they may do so. This is hard because we often want what we want when we want it...and sometimes folks don't comply. How about we learn to just "sit back, shut up, and enjoy the ride" of getting to know the people in our lives. All will be revealed in time.

Seeing is Honest
Seeing requires the "see-er" to be willing to accept whatever it is that's there. This is tough because we like to lie to ourselves and see in people only what we want to. Usually this means reducing people to simple characitures (bitch, jerk, man/woman of my dreams, etc...). Being honest means acknowledging the complexity of what we see - the good, the bad and the ugly.

Apology Language? Yep, got one of 'em too...

2010-07-19T19:36:00.000-07:00

"You have chosen Accepting Responsibility as your primary Apology Language. What you are looking for in an apology is maturity. You most want to hear the offending party say, I was wrong and I take responsibility for my actions."

Word.

So, so true. I hate apologies that include excuses or deflection and likewise, I don't make them. If you're in the wrong...own up full out. Period. Doesn't it just seem easier? Is that just what grown-ups do?

When it comes to apologizing, things will never be made right without a flat out acceptance of responsibility by the guilty party - whether it be me or them. So what is this all about?

1. It's about the ability to be honest with yourself
Excuses serve as an attempt to convince ourselves and others that we really didn't do anything wrong. Excuses are there to explain away bad behavior, not atone for it. Ick, if someone can't be even be honest when their mess is glaring, issues ensue - and rightly so.

2. It's about being secure enough with yourself to fess up to making a mistake

Owning up to a mistake or shortcoming requires admitting that you're not perfect. Nuff said...

3. It's about putting someone else before yourself

Deference is a lost art, sadly. Apologizing without excuses means that you understand that excuses won't cut it - that you comprehend the gravity of being careless or otherwise disrespectful to folks (particularly folks you care about). Like "I respect you so much I'm not even going to go there with the bullsh*t."

4. It's about demonstrating that one understands the error of their ways

Nothing is worse than dealing with a person that just doesn't get it, as they will be a repeat offender. It is just the truth that sometimes we all have erroneous ways and not understanding them is highly problematic. Owning up signals to the other party that you understand your wrongness and that they can trust that it won't happen again.

"Quality Time" = My Love Language

2010-07-19T17:42:00.000-07:00

As a child, my mom was all about the "5 Love Languages." I thought it was all pretty cool, but whatever...I had better things to think about (like JTT and prairie dresses...don't ask).

But as an adult, I'm beginning to believe that understanding a little bit more about how I give and receive love is kind of important. So, I took the test and...(drumroll please)...

My love language is Quality Time. No duh. It's not gifts, or acts of service or physical touch or words of affirmation - it's time...

If I love you, like you, otherwise give a d*mn about you, I'm gonna want some time. With this time I can really care less what we're doing (smancy restaurant or a taco stand/vacationing through Europe or watching a playoff series...as long as I'm with you, I'm good) and would prefer if you would stay off your phone while doing it. I recognize that I tend to judge relationships (romantic and otherwise) by how well we spend time doing nothing at all. The litmus test is this: if stuck in an elevator for 8 hours without any other diversion, could we have a good time?

So, time is good. However, if you eff up quality time, we are going to have problems. Absolutely nothing makes me more upset than someone who messes with my time. If it's planned and I think you're something special, it's guaranteed that I'm looking forward to it....maybe even excited about. Hence why being flaky with time is probably my pet peeve numereo uno.

Alternately, if I don't really like you I'm going to be hesitant to give you my time...but I digress.

I suppose understanding one's love language is good not just in that it allows you a better perspective of self, but it also helps to not project self onto others. Meaning: assuming that everyone else expresses love through quality time will only served to hurt my own feelings (like when someone gives me a gift, or a kind act, or a compliment instead of a one-on-one). While understanding doesn't negate the fact that I still need quality time in order to be fulfilled and happy in a relationship (and the fact that I will always be hurt most by time-related infractions), it will come in handy in being able to communicate my needs and understand the needs and expressions of the others.

So, take the test. What language do you speak?

Birthday Musings: Part II

2010-07-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

This has been a pretty fun weekend and I've been trying to come up with coherent, profound things the whole time, but alas, epic fail. Only more disparate thoughts. Or rather, as I would like to reclassify them - tidbits of unfathomable erudition.

1) Letting go is the easiest thing in the world to do. So, why it is also the hardest?

In theory to let something go requires no effort at all, but as humans, letting go of feelings, a person, a dream, a relationship, etc..., is just about one of the hardest things ever. Why? Well, I suspect it means letting a little (or big) piece of ourselves go with it and that's painful as hell.

2) Boys like girls in silly hats

Particularly if you wear it and own it. I dunno why...I should ask around and then buy more hats.

3) Problems arise when one person is sure and the other isn't. It is cacophonous and horrible.

Yeah, that's pretty self explanatory.

4) Staring at the two small mountains of laundry in the middle of my bedroom floor will not make them wash, dry, fold and put themselves away.

They have been there a full 28 hours now, maybe I'll get to it tomorrow (? + shoulder shrug). But hey, at least I sorted.

5) I am indeed a hopeless flirt, but once I'm in...I'm in. No worries.

It's a blessing and a curse and I suspect I get it from my dad, who is also a terrible flirt (grocery store checkers, church ladies, policewomen, my grandmother's elderly friends). I think as long as I find a secure partner (like my momma...but male) it'll all work out.

Birthday Musings: Part I

2010-07-15T20:47:00.001-07:00

13 minutes until my 26th Birthday and I have nothing to write about. I do, however, feel obliged to write something.

1) I found a flower fascinator (hat-ish thing) with a veil at Forever 21 today for $8.00...I will be wearing it tomorrow evening. I am very excited about this

2) I share a birthday with both Barbara Stanwyck and Ginger Rogers, which is pretty cool. They both exhibited that old hollywood, but brusque glamour I admire so much.

3) My heart and mind are free tonight, but my body is exhausted. Two out of three isn't bad.

4) Soulja Boy makes nonsense, not music..."Pretty. Boy. Swag"...ugh

5) I've made some great friends this first year in DC, I'm a lucky girl. But I still miss my lovies in all of those other states. Shout-out to Cali, Nevada, South Carolina, KEN-tucky, and Ohio...

6) This year, I'm gonna live more in the present. Allow what will be, to be...and leave it at that. I'm getting older and I don't have energy for chasing pavements anymore. SMH.

From Angela to Target: Mainstreamin' Natural

2010-07-13T06:33:00.000-07:00

You can find most things in Target. It's the serious one stop shop, but haircare has always been tricky for us Black girls. While in recent years, Target (and other stores) have expanded their Black hair care options, a few months ago I was thrilled to run into an endcap displaying a variety of brands of hair products for natural, "ethnic" curly hair. Pretty spectacular.

When I began transitioning about 3 years ago, going natural was still considered a revolutionary event. For me (in the heyday of my grad school, Angela Davis, bell hooks Black feminist glory*), it was about decolonizing the self - rejecting the imposed standards of beauty that have more Black women than not slathering a concoction of unknown, probably carcinogenic chemicals onto our heads every six weeks. It just stopped making sense to keep spending money damaging and stripping layers off of my God-given hair in an effort to have my sh*t bounce around like a white girl - because well, I'm not a white girl...and I like it that way (no offense to white girls, I hope they like themselves too).

I grew out the chemicals, did the big chop and have never looked back...and I've never had to. For Black women, going natural has gone from counter-cultural to mainstream and lots of us are selling out. It's a beautiful thing.

With the help of some cool-chick celebs and some crazy good new hair care products for curly, Black girl hair (Kinky-Curly, Miss Jessie's, Hair Rules, DevaCurl), going natural is getting easier, as is should (being "natural" and all). Imagine: Black women loving ourselves and embracing our hair just the way it grows out of our scalps...(still)revolutionary indeed.

*Perhaps more of a subtle version of this self, it is still my essence...no doubt.
**I love Amel Larrieux's hair (in the pic above)...one day *sigh*

Ear Candy: Esperanza Spalding

2010-07-12T16:45:00.000-07:00

Work was crazy and the day flew by...without much time for ponderin'.

But who needs that today...? How about some good music. My little sis posted a video from Esperanza Spalding on my Facebook wall the other day and I kind of dig her.

Plus, she's got cool hair and I'm partial to chicks with cool hair...

Goodness and Getting Ready

2010-07-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

Good things come to those who are ready. Thus, it would make sense to be ready...and folks, I'm getting there. I'm freed up, with lessons learned and experiences to put under my belt and it feels kind of good. I'm closer to being able to receive those good things that are meant for me...make no mistake, there are lots of really good things in my future.

But getting ready is painful. Maybe it has to be, maybe it doesn't and I'm just hard-headed, but there is something about being in a space where you are conflicted and wounded and muddled that tenderizes and prepares you for something much better.

Perhaps it is developing the ability to appreciate goodness. Without having experienced the bad and the ugly, how can we truly recognize and value the good? Moreover, it could also be about preparedness: developing and exercising your own skill set (how to care and love and cherish and fight and be honest and patient and kind and discerning and all of those other things) in order to know what to do with goodness when it gets to you.

But probably most importantly, getting ready has a lot to do with getting to the place where you really - deep down in your gut - believe that you deserve good things. Not deserving from a position of ~~thinking you're the shit~~ arrogance, but out of the knowledge that you have been good - that you have practiced goodness. Striving for perfection is just silly, but there is something to be said for extending hope and encouragement, being kind even when others are not, putting others before yourself, coming correct when you need to, and doing your part to make things right when they are wrong, etc...

I suppose it would be tough to reconcile one's self with getting good things if you haven't given them - the only thing to do would be to reject and/or sabotage them. But with the above understanding in your headspace, I believe good things are inescapable. Yeah?

Aw, shucks...call me an optimist.

On Patience...for the sake of love and instrumentals

2010-07-09T20:22:00.001-07:00

There is a reason that 1 Corinthians 3:14 starts out with "Love is patient...."

Patience just might be the most underrated quality ever required to make it through life. Downplayed to a point where it gets just kind of skipped...glossed over...forgotten about.

I'm writing on patience because I don't have much and need more. This last year has been all about growth and I have learned a thing or two about patience when it comes to waiting on things to fall into place. But I'm afraid, when it comes to having patience with other people, I'm quite lacking. This is obviously...a problem. If love is first and foremost, patient - this is something worth working out.

Having patience with others is kind of like listening to an good instrumental. I love good music and good musicianship, but I get ancy after a while when I don't hear what I'm looking for (lyrics), even when I know they aren't there. However, if I can take a some time and acquiesce to just listening to it for what it is, I soon find myself really appreciating and enjoying it.

Some more directed thoughts:

So, what does it mean to show patience with people? It means allowing other people to be who they are, and then...respecting it. Recognizing that everyone has their own paradigms, processes, and ways of doing things, patience means being okay with this - it means respecting the way another does life in the same way that I respect the way I do life. It means not imposing my "way" onto another under the guise of best-ness, "efficiency" or anything else. Many of us get paid to do this at work, but in our interpersonal relationships...maybe it's not such a good look.

Having patience with people also means surrendering to the fact that I will not always get what I want from them when I want it. This seems so rudimentary, right? But alas...I know I'm not the only person with this struggle. So many times we want people to respond, react, interact with us in particular ways and then, sometimes they don't. How about being more okay this? How about deferring our expectations until we have a better understanding of the larger picture?

Patience means being consistent when I don't feel like it. How so? Well, it regards to love...maybe it means deciding to love someone even when I wake up and don't feel like it that day. Maybe it means not giving passing sentiments precedence over allegiances. Patience may mean that "stick-to-it-iveness" that sometimes requires me to sit back and wait it out...~~(ugh)~~

So, I'm tapped...

Your thoughts on patience?

Summertime Readin' and such...

2010-07-08T18:13:00.002-07:00

How about this: I don't care where LeBron is going...

Wait for it...

I didn't implode.

Basketball is real cool and all, and I like to watch it, but c'mon folks...is it really all that serious? I suppose so.

Anyway, that had nothing to do with what I wanted to write about...I just kind of wanted to put it out there since all of the world is tuned in to ESPN breathlessly awaiting the announcement. SMH

Books! Let's talk about those. It's summer time and summer time should always include books. Regardless of the fact that jobs are year-around, reading is a summer staple so I'm making a list. What to read this summer?

Isabel Allende's Island Beneath the Sea
I really, really love Allende. She's a magnificent storyteller. I've actually already read this one (like three weeks ago), but I'm gonna re-read it this summer because it was such good stuff. Set in 19th century Haiti, this story was epic but subtle....and fascinating.

Helena Andrews' Bitch is the New Black
There has been so much hype around this book, I'm gonna have to check it out. Plus, it got a great review from Sista Toldja (who is a VSS, if I may say so) I'm kind of excited about this one...might be my weekend splurge. I'm a 20-something Black, single professional in DC - I think I owe it to myself.

Toni Morrison's Paradise

...because I'm working my way through her collection and am more than half way done!

Ntozake Shange's Liliane

I've at this one for forever, but have never actually read it. It's about time I did.

A. Breeze Harper's Sistah Vegan

This pick is a nod to all of my vegan folks who try their best not to look disgusted when I order a formerly living thing in front of them. I really love meat, I do. But maybe I shouldn't. For the sake of intellectual honesty, I'm going to entertain this argument.

That's a pretty decent start, eh?

What are you reading?

My Mind's Gone to Costa Rica...

2010-07-08T11:54:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling quite "blah" this afternoon. It's 95 degrees here in the Chocolate City and we're melting (particularly after three days of over 100 degree suffocation). Needless to say, my mind has wandered elsewhere and it's not coming back before 5pm. What am I thinking about? I'm thinking that I really want to go Costa Rica in October. Sure it's still the rainy season there, but I can deal with that because it's inexpensive. From afar, it appears that Costa Rica has the two things I really, really like - forests and beaches - so I'm down. Hmmm...let the plotting begin.

P.S. I really wish folks would stop Ccing me on all of their emails.

26th Year on Earth

2010-07-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

I'm now counting down to my 26th birthday. Pretty exciting stuff. Birthdays are not such a huge deal to me, but I am genuinely enjoying getting older. Twenty-six is just another step in the right direction - every year I'm growing wiser, more gracious, more thoughtful, less silly and more comfortable in my own skin. Realizing I have a long way to go until that Susan Taylor/Toni Morrison/Cicely Tyson hybrid I aspire to develop into (aimin' high...lol), I'll take every year I can get because I am still green and clumsy and at times, still careless and silly and insecure. So, as I'm thinking about my impending birthday how about deciding on some things to work on this 26th year on earth.

Here it goes (in no particular order):

1. Accepting my body for what it is...and isn't.

So, I'm not "thick" or curvaceous or perfect. And...? There are still some selling points. No one but me expects me to be perfect and that's just silly. As long as I am being kind to myself and treating me right, I should be happy with what I have and what I don't have.

2. Being less reactionary

I react strongly - sometimes too strongly - to nouns and verbs and adjectives (basically, a variety of things). I'm kind of an intense person that feels things viscerally and many times it's a great thing. When something is good, I can appreciate it for all it's worth...like a mountain-top view or a swim in the ocean or time with someone I care about or just a beautiful day. But when something feels bad, oh goodness...it really sucks and I react accordingly (according to my experience and not necessarily according to how I should react). This year, I am going to work on taking a deep breath, or two, or three, or thousands before acting - even if it seems simple in the moment, complexity reveals itself in time.

3. Budgeting better

There are lots of things that I want to do and do them, I'm gonna need a ~~trust fund~~ ~~a rich husband~~ budgeting skillz...
Developing a reasonable budget that allows me to do some of these things (traveling, investing, paying off debt) and also has me putting plenty aside for a rainy day is a necessity. Now that I have a big girl paycheck to work with, this is definitely a priority...

4. Being more sensitive

Surprise, surprise...I'm a Cancer so this supposedly shouldn't be hard. I should be the pinnacle of sensitivity and empathy, but alas, I've been known to not do such a good job at picking up on subtleties. Perhaps the truth is, as a defense mechanism, I don't assume anything that isn't explicit...meaning that if someone hasn't said it or expressly put it out there, it doesn't exist. However, sometimes some things (feelings, thoughts, etc...) really do exist and I need do a better job seeing them. Maybe this is as simple as trusting my intuition or allowing myself to presumptively empathize with another person. How about trading "beyond a shadow of a doubt" with "beyond a reasonable doubt"? That might be a good place to start.

That should be enough for one year, right?

South Carolina and back again...on oceans and red dirt and stories

2010-07-06T06:47:00.000-07:00

I randomly took a road trip this weekend and ended up in South Carolina. I enjoyed South Carolina much more than I thought I would - there was something about it that I found very appealing. If I ever decide to opt out of the rat race that is big-city livin' and take up some artsy, bohemian profession, I think I'll move there.

Here are my thoughts, for what they are worth:

1. Contrary to what I had previously believed, the Atlantic ocean is much warmer and more pleasant than the Pacific - making swimming plausible and actually enjoyable. This allows one the realization that there is something crazy delightful about ocean water.

2. The Southern folks on South Carolinian beaches are there for the experience and not to peacock around...they cannot be accused of vanity, which is a beautiful thing. Vanity, thy name is Californian.

3. The contrast of the rich green foliage and brick red dirt is splendid in a way that makes me want to live in a little white house in between.

4. People's stories are important and I heard a few of them: A biker on his fifth wife (who happened to have a tumor) was going to be cooking out for the 4th with his too-grown daughter and grandchildren. A displaced Southern housewife who hadn't had a vacation in years and dreamed of getting in the car and driving to who-knows-where. An seasoned jazz player and official South Carolinian ambassador of jazz who was helping to raise the baby grandson of his high school sweetheart - all after a full life of military traveling, teaching and music. They all had stories to tell and they told them.

In our busy lives in big cities, we minimize our stories in lieu of showcasing our status. Most of us urbanites would be mortified to expel our life story to a stranger upon introduction and are generally annoyed when others subject us to theirs. Instead, we'd rather ask and tell about jobs and titles and schools attended and vacations taken and neighborhoods lived in and all of the other things that really don't speak to who we are (only what we have or haven't accomplished).

So, what if we did the opposite? As the culmination of our experiences, our stories make us who we are - they are valid and significant simply because they are lived. Our stories are precious possessions that should be cherished and reflected on and shared and when we diminish our stories we are doing nothing short of diminishing the beautiful stuff about ourselves...and we can't have that.

So, what's your story?

Good Energy & Affirmations

2010-07-02T06:43:00.000-07:00

Positive self-affirmations are tough, especially to share. Why? Well, they ~~are cheesy~~ require the admission that you need them and they assert something about one’s self that we are at times unsure if anyone else believes – pretty much, they reveal insecurity. But really, we all have insecurities, which very from person to person but are inevitable. We are a human, we are vulnerable to self-doubt.

CurlyNikki (one of my favorite bloggers out there...natural hair guru and shrink) posted yesterday on affirmation and I thought I’d join in. I’m a space where I need as much good energy as possible…

My Affirmations for Friday, July 2nd, 2010

I am kind and enact goodness and positive energy

I am a loving and patient mother

I am loved by many amazing people

I am in the process of actively realizing my potential...and there's a lot of it

No, Lauryn...Let's not light this fire...

2010-07-01T07:19:00.001-07:00

Lauryn Hill says she's coming back, to which I say.."DON'T!"

I lived, breathed, consumed her first (and only) solo album The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill - it saw me through my high school years, which kind of sucked. She was like the wise older sister I never had, mixed in with a dose of some old-womanish sagacity that even my grandmothers were too far removed from to impart. Her lyrics were taped all over my bedroom walls along with pictures of Maxwell and ~~Nick Carter~~ (much to my dad's horror...at the tape, not the words), written in journals and in notes to friends, and at that very ingenuous time in my life, they were powerful...

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it,
If you don't catch it,
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,

I still go back there sometimes and it's still true...

Truth also is that I need to remember her as the Lauryn in the photo above...Not the carnival-like (and I'm not talking west-Indian here folks, just the good ol'fashioned kind) creature we saw recently. Her and her music have cemented themselves as a meaningful part of a chapter in my life and have become static for lack of replication...which, in this case, is the way it is meant to be.

Please Lauryn, don't crush my soul and "come back" with incoherent silliness. Remain a legend and stay retired...No one cares that you only had one solo album, because it was legendary and we still appreciate it, we do. Stay in the burbs, raise your kids, work with a life coach...just no more music. Do it for you, do it for us.

See what happens when you mess with a lesser Marley...SMH.

On Spilling Your Guts

2010-06-29T06:05:00.000-07:00

I am learning that self-revelation can be cathartic. As opposed to keeping all that “stuff” bottled up inside, there is something to be said for spilling your guts – perhaps not always, but sometimes. We don’t because we are afraid of the judgment of others. We are afraid of being revealed and adjudicated by someone who may, in turn, misinterpret us. We are afraid of what someone else might think and in many cases, we should be. Spilling ones guts should always be a selective process, but nevertheless – it is quite possibly a necessary one. Imagine how much simpler life would be if folks could occasionally “debrief” and not have to carry things around indefinitely.

Our pride also gets in the way, as we see it as inherently always already at odds with self-revelation, when in fact, it requires an tremendous possession of self to do it in the first place. You must love and be proud of your guts to spill them – you must value them to reveal them.

Self-revelation is for the self. The person on the receiving end, no matter how much they might deserve them, might not care for you guts…they may just step over them or step on them, but in the end…it is the fact that they are out that matters. Once they are no longer inside, they can hold little power.

Planetary Configuration?

2010-06-28T07:07:00.000-07:00

"Today's planetary configuration means that you may feel more emotional today than you have for some time. You will be very aware that you have a great deal of feeling for one person in particular, and although you may have tried to rationalize this away, right now it is just not possible. It would be better to accept this, and perhaps to let them know."

Oh...is that was it is?

Summer Solstice

2010-06-28T06:57:00.000-07:00

This last week brought the longest day of the year…the first day of summer. Not necessarily a new beginning, but a settling in of something. Summer is when existing things ripen.

People ripen too (I’m reclaiming the word) as hopefully with age and experience we become a deeper, richer, more satisfying version of ourselves. Given the right environment, nutrients and care, we gracefully transition from a hard, tasteless, unyielding object to something that can be appreciated, enjoyed and even loved.

This summer I turn 26 and I find myself with a lesson to learn, a lesson that will hopefully move me forward and closer the person/partner/parent/friend I am meant to be. It doesn’t feel good and, like the solstice, I know it will last a while, but I know that therein lays great potential for growth and ripening…so I suppose I’ll go with it (and quite frankly, there is nothing else to do but to go with it).

As much as I wish I could spell out this lesson in easy terms and/or create bullet points or timelines, I can’t…it’s messy. It is how I wrestle and work through this experience (ugh, it hurts) that will determine my outcome. It is the working through of competing and conflicting feelings as I try to reconcile my head, my heart, and my gut – and let me tell you, when these three don’t align, it sucks.

I hope that when the time comes when I can look up and realize I’ve made it out of this season, I will have something to show for it. Hopefully when I have made peace with myself, myself will be a better person – a wiser, more thoughtful, more loving, more discerning, more complete one. I hope that I will be a little closer to that riper version of me I am so looking forward to.

Nikki Giovanni's "Resignations" Blows My Mind...

2010-04-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

I love you
because the earth turns round the sun
because the North wind blows north
sometimes
because the Pope is Catholic
and most Rabbis Jewish
because winters flow into springs
and the air clears after a storm
because only my love for you
despite the charms of gravity
keeps me from falling off this Earth
into another dimension
I love you
because it is the natural order of things

I love you
like the habit I picked up in college
of sleeping through lectures
or saying I'm sorry
when I get stopped for speeding
because I drink a glass of water
in the morning
and chain-smoke cigarettes
all through the day
because I take my coffee Black
and my milk with chocolate
because you keep my feet warm
though my life a mess
I love you
because I don't want it
any other way.

I am helpless
in my love for you
It makes me so happy
to hear you call my name
I am amazed you can resist
locking me in an echo chamber
where your voice reverberates
through the four walls
sending me into spasmatic ecstasy
I love you
because it's been so good
for so long
that if I didn't love you
I'd have to be born again
and that is not a theological statement
I am pitiful in my love for you

The Dells tell me Love
is so simple
the thought though of you
sends indescribably delicious multitudinous
thrills throughout and through-in my body
I love you
because no two snowflakes are alike
and it is possible
if you stand tippy-toe
to walk between the raindrops
I love you
because I am afraid of the dark
and can't sleep in the light
because I rub my eyes
when I wake up in the morning
and find you there
because you with all your magic powers were
determined that
I should love you
because there was nothing for you but that
I would love you

I love you
because you made me
want to love you
more than I love my privacy
my freedom
my commitments
and responsibilities
I love you 'cause I changed my life
to love you
because you saw me one friday
afternoon and decided that I would
love you
I love you I love you I love you

-- Nikki Giovanni

A Calling: Practicing Reproductive Justice as a Doula

2010-04-11T18:59:00.000-07:00

This weekend I had the privilege of attending a great conference on reproductive justice that refreshed passions and refueled interests I have always had. In trying to figure out where I fit and where I want to plug in with the reproductive justice movement, this weekend provided a wonderful "ah ha!" moment that I am grateful for.

While reproductive justice must be present in all periods of a women's reproductive life, I will be an advocate and ally for mothers that choose to give birth to babies. This is where I fit.

A couple of the workshops I went to over the weekend were about motherhood and childbirth - where great discussions took place regarding the lack of choice women have once they decide to give birth, particularly marginalized women (poor women, women of color, immigrant women, young women, disabled women, etc...). My action step: Well, I've decided to look in to doula (a childbirth companion) training so that I can work with mothers before, during and after childbirth to ensure that their rights and wishes are respected and that their experience with birth is as positive, informed and safe as possible.

For thousands of years, women have helped other women give birth. With the U.S. experiencing an increasing maternal mortality rate - particular amongst women of color - it is vital that pregnant mothers have an advocate and companion that knows childbirth and knows and fights to protect their rights as women.

My calling...or at least one of them.

"You're not the boss of me...oh, well...yes you are": On why we should pay attention to political campaigns

2010-03-31T20:10:00.001-07:00

I work for an organization that works to get women to run for, and then get elected to public office. Why? Because equal representation is important in a democracy and we should be moving closer towards this goal all the time.

Right now there are quite a few outstanding women (and men) candidates in really tough races - races that will take the participation of their future constituents to win. But there's the rub: it's really effing hard to get everyday people interested in lower-level political races. While everyone turns out during the Presidential election year, it's tough as undercooked chuck to get folks' attention in the interim.

So, here's my argument as to why paying attention to who is running in your district (Senate, House, state legislative, etc...):

Wait, I don't even need bullet points for this because it's pretty damn simple.

THE PEOPLE THAT WE ELECT (via our vote, or our non-participation) GET TO MAKE DECISIONS ABOUT OUR LIVES.

When it's all said and done, you will be subject to these lawmakers' and law enforcers' conclusions, so we'd better make sure we fight the good fight to ensure that our voice is heard.

I know, I know. General election day is months away, but there are still some primarys to be won and none of the races are finished. Check out these candidates and then do something (give money, volunteer, learn more, spread the word, etc...):

Jennifer Brunner of Ohio for U.S. Senate

Robin Kelly of Illinois for State Treasurer

Kamala Harris of California for Attorney General

Terri Sewell of Alabama for U.S. Congress

What is Reproductive Justice? Hell if I know, but I'm working on it...

2010-03-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

So, I'm kinda psyched about attending the Bi-Annual Reproductive Justice Conference at Hampshire College. Why? Well, duh. I have a MA in Women's, Gender & Sexuality Studies. Thus, reproductive justice is close to my heart. But reproductive justice should be close to all of our hearts. Again, why? Well, because it affects us all.

By nature of being human, we have the right to be autonomous--or as autonomous as possible without trespassing on another's autonomy. We have a right to make decisions for ourselves using our own God-given ability to make just and moral decisions. We certainly have this right when it comes to what we do and do not do to our own bodies. Part of being autonomous means that other people need not agree with us in order to exercise it. Quite the contrary: even when people do not agree with or understand what we do (which is certainly inevitable), we still have the right to do it.

While most people would agree with the above paragraph, some (although fortunately not the majority) have a problem only when applied to women-- or more particularly, to women's uteruses. Hence the Great Abortion Debate.

I'm refuse to spend tons of time discussing this topic (abortion) because, frankly, ~~it's were rational people become irrational~~ I don't see the point. The discourse is too loaded to have a proper discussion around abortion outside of a solid reproductive justice framework. So, what is reproductive justice? I'm currently working this out right now, for both professional and personal reasons, but here is my conceptualization so far:

1. Reproductive justice is intersectional--meaning that it approaches those issues surrounding reproduction from all angles and is able to imagine how needs and concerns vary with identity.

2. Reproductive justice is broad--along the lines of number one, it acknowledges and gives appropriate weight to all reproductive concerns, not just abortion. It means contraception and quality, accessible reproductive health care. It means maternal wellness and parent-friendly workplaces. It means choosing when and how to parent with dignity and it also means choosing not parent at all, without stigma. Etc... It is physical, environmental, economic, political, academic, social, spiritual, etc...

3. Reproductive justice is social justice--as opposed to being a "women's issue" the effects of reproductive injustice damage all people and it is the responsibility of all people to care about reproductive justice. Moreover, looking at the issue itself intersectionally, reproductive justice is tied to justice in general, both philosophically and practically.

Thoughts?

Little Dragon

2010-03-29T20:26:00.000-07:00

Went to this show last week. Good show, good sounds...me thinks I like.

Re: Intention

2010-03-29T19:44:00.000-07:00

Tonight during yoga, the teacher prompted us to set our intentions as we began our practice. Yoga teachers always do this and usually my intention is simply to stay present, as this is usually enough of a challenge--as before-mentioned, I am easily distracted. Tonight, however, I thought I'd try something a little different. So tonight I set my intention a little broader.

As briefly discussed in my previous post, I'm working on ridding myself of some shiny objects. I'm working on perhaps making a decision about what it is that I want and then I'm working on being intentional about making that thing work. (Okay, so maybe I might already know what I want...but I digress). Tonight I set the intention to learn how to care. Not to care about someone, but to really care for someone.

Although I've perhaps have been waiting around for this "care" to develop on its own--magically burgeoning out of daisies and two-buck Chuck--I'm beginning to realize that it ~~will probably~~ may require intention. So, what does it mean to care for someone? To be selfless and vulnerable? [Insert laden silence as we wait for our answer]...

Geez, I dunno. But I'm working on it.

Why? Well, because it might be worth it and in all, it is the only kind of relationship I can see myself in the long run.

Distractions & Shiny Things

2010-03-28T11:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while because, well, life's been distracting. Not necessarily any busier than usual, just more distracting. Damn, it's all of those little things that clog my brain and make writing much more difficult than it should be. Where to begin? Well, let's start with last night...

So, yesterday I had a pretty great day. Spend the earlier part of it walking and brunching while in good conversation with the One I Like Best. This pretty much started my day off right and I felt no need to go out into the world and expand on it. I essentially spent the rest of the day sitting on my loveseat streaming indie romances on Netflix. It was a good time and around 11pm I decided to call it a night. Jump in the shower and when I jumped out I noticed that, in the meantime, a little facebook chat box had popped up from no other than the One I Was Once Infatuated With. (Brief note: This infatuation was short lived as it quickly became apparent that while we had great friend chemistry, there was no "spark".) We chatted for a bit and decided to hang out because that's what we do...we hang out. And this usually feels just like "hanging out." But it got kind of weird a half hour in when it really began feeling like a "date"...for some reason, there was chemistry, maybe even a little "spark". Eeek...this could be a problem. Or could have been a problem if I hadn't woken up this morning and realized that I kind of missed and really wanted to talk to the One I Like Best.

Indeed, perhaps I have passed the test: When presented with a ~~exceptionally attractive man~~ shiny object, momentary distraction is acceptable. But when your head snaps right back to the prize...well, maybe you've got something good.

Joyce Mansour: "I Opened Your Head"

2010-03-17T22:43:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite poems...just in case you were interested. It's by Dada-Surrealist poet Joyce Mansour...

I opened your head
To read your thoughts
I devoured your eyes
To taste your sight
I drank your blood
To know your wants
And made of your shivering body
My nourishment...

On grand gestures the little things...

2010-03-17T21:54:00.000-07:00

I am different. Perhaps a little bit off. But I appreciate the nuances of life more than those obvious delights. I live in a city and own a car, but I'd rather walk as to not miss those unique smells, sounds and sights of city life - those things that you can only experience on the ground. My neighborhood often smells like fried chicken, apparently loves Juanes and there is regular pattern of barber and shops liquor stores all down the block - but I would never observe these things from my car.

My point is that it is the compilation of all of those little things that allow me to enjoy it all. The grander things are great, but I'm of the persuasion that is not, nor should be how we experience our happiness. For this reason I am not a grand gesture kind of girl. To me, grand gestures are always too gaudy and performative and make me uncomfortable because, although they could be genuine, they are rarely organic. Grand gestures are akin to running errands in a car - while you get the experience of getting in and out of the car, you do not get benefit of the subtleties the path had to offer. And the path is where it's all at...aren't real relationships made up of those everyday experiences that we participate in within our interpersonal spaces? Isn't it those scents, sounds, feelings, words and remembrances that make the experience of being with someone else fulfilling?

Shouldn't our relationships be great just because...for no particular reason, but for a myriad of little reasons that add to something sorta remarkable. I think so.

Rufus & Chaka Khan "Sweet Thing"

2010-03-15T20:53:00.000-07:00

Chaka is fierce and this song is one of the greatest ever....and I want that red dress.

The Question

2010-03-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

Today I asked a question that needed to be asked.

It is a question that I have not felt the need to ask until today - sitting on the bus. At that moment I needed to know and so, rather than speculate about the answer, I asked. But I asked via email, which means I probably won't get an answer until tomorrow...

So, until then I have plenty of time to think about what it was that I asked and what I am going to do with the answer. So, here are my thoughts so far:

The question took a level of comfortability that surprised me. I'm thinking that the fact that I felt secure enough to ask it is a good thing. It means that I've develop enough of a relationship with this person to feel I had the liberty to ask it.

If I was less secure with it all I would probably be anxious about the answer - which, interestingly enough, I am not. Curious, yes. But I'm feeling okay with whatever it is that I hear back tomorrow...even if it isn't what I want to hear, I feel like it will be good to know and that I could deal with it.

Whatever it is that I receive in return, I believe I will have the truth and I can work with that. In knowing where I stand I will be able to chart the course that I am unable to make out right now.

The bottom line is that I have thrown part of myself out there into the universe and I hope it is kind to me.

What the Stars said on Friday....

2010-03-05T19:35:00.000-08:00

You're not in a relationship with this person. Then again, you're not not in a relationship either. Everything's topsy-turvy in this situation. Don't be so hasty to define it. You lose a lot of possibilities that way.

So, that was today's relationship horoscope and it was pretty right on.

I've been debating whether or not to initiate a ~~sober~~ DTR convo with the current "constant" and I think I've got my answer for now. Interestingly enough, I've been leaning this way this last week after realizing that the DTR would possibly severely limit my options - which I enjoy having. It's not that I'm opposed to commitment or that I'm not smitten by this person--I both like him and the idea of starting a new and defined relationship with him--I'm not sold...yet.

I will exercise patience, as it is a virtue and all.

Eidia Lush - Kinda like couture

2010-03-04T10:49:00.000-08:00

Groupon is my new best friend.

In my inbox this morning was today's deal: 1/2 off custom made shoes from Eidia Lush. I'm pretty much in love with this concept.

I've been trying to find a pair of shoes that I actually like to match a dress I got a great deal on a few weeks ago. So far, I'd had no luck...Until today! When I designed a nifty pair (see above). So excited about this.

Check it out www.EidiaLush.com

Just Say "No" to Friending...

2010-02-28T20:29:00.000-08:00

I am not Facebook friends with the guy I've been dating for the last 3.5 months. I like it this way, for many reasons. Earlier today we briefly discussed, in passing, the possibility of us becoming Facebook friends...but the more I think about this, the less keen I am on it. After further reflection, I'd argue that refraining from "friending" a potential is probably one of the most savvy and radical things a dater can do here in the year 2010. Here's my argument against it:

1. A relationship that exists entirely in real-time.

I am getting to know him face-to-face and everything I am learning, I am doing so through our conversations/interactions...not Wall hearsay or tagged photos from the 11th grade. If I am curious about his favorite book, movie or quote, I have to actually ask him. This can sometimes be inconvenient, but delayed gratification builds character.

2. Facebook stalking becomes intensely difficult, if not impossible.

**I'm not necessarily saying I would ever think to do this...(cough)**

I don't need to know his every cyber-move, know which events he has RSVPd for, or view his tagged pictures from evenings out not spent together. These things are none of either of our business until they actually are (which is till TBA).

3. The whole Facebook "Relationship Status" controversy and/or awkwardness stays irrelevant.

Whoever thought of this feature apparently did not think it all the way through. Relationship status changes make for seriously uncomfortable breakups and mawkish public displays of cyber affection that we could all live without.

4.***Okay, I'll admit to this one too: So, I'm a bit of a Facebook whore.

It could be a little embarrassing for him to find out how often I update my status...I mean, I don't really care all that much. But still.

What's your take?

I Heart Amos Lee

2010-02-22T22:14:00.000-08:00

Amos Lee is playing a show in Annapolis...and it sold out immediately. No fair. But it reminded me just how much I love Amos Lee. I always forget and then have to remember. Also, I just read a post on TheRoot.com about White folks with Black cards and he was one of them - although I'm not convinced he's actually White. I dunno, but no matter.

If ya don't know, now you know.

Ugh...For Reals?

2010-02-22T20:29:00.000-08:00

I've been pretty apathetic about pop culture's current events so far this year. I really don't give a damn about Tiger Woods' apology, Kate Gosslin's hair, Sarah Palin's tea party, or John Mayer's racist penis. I'm tired to talking about how Black women are problematically single and I find nothing interesting about the Winter Olympics (no Caribbean sprinters). Moreover, the political atmosphere at present makes me want convert to anarchism...so I have nothing to say on that matter either.

So, I guess I'll spend some time on things that actually matter...

1. Haiti
Wait, what's going on there? I've been lost in discussion on Dick Cheney's chest pains and Kim Kardashian's mystery engagement (is she...is she not?)

2. Health Care
So, have we completely given up on a public option or has Scott Brown just killed healthcare altogether?

3. The Israeli Occupation of Palestine
No one ever wants to talk about this, obviously. But I really do need to do a better job at keeping up on what's going on there.

4. Black Unemployment
It's at effing 16.5%, but apparently this isn't a problem. WTF?

Ode to Pilates'

2010-02-20T08:56:00.000-08:00

I love Pilates'. It's great. I've been at it for about seven years and this month marks my two-year anniversary of teaching. I'm here at the Pilates' studio now, which is celebrating it's first birthday and thought it an appropriate time to reflect on it a bit in between clients.

Being the capricious creature I am, I have a hard time with commitment. I love commitment, in theory - but I'm easily distracted by things I find interesting...and I find pretty much everything interesting. However, every once in a while I stumble on something that I really do love - something I can stick with (I hope this is also true other areas of my life *wink*). Pilates' is one of those things.

There is something about Pilates' that is always interesting and always challenging. It is the kind of work (both as a teacher and physically, as a student) that meets me where I am. I am able to adjust my personal Pilates' work depending on how I am feeling at that moment - which suits me well.

Being able to see growth or progress is important to keeping my attention. Understanding the dynamic state of something means that the something is never really the same. With Pilates' I am always able to see my own growth - even how much stronger I am after practicing consisting for a week after a few weeks hiatus or bout of inconsistent practice. Thus, neither my practice nor my body is static.

So, I've formed a deep and lastly love affair with Pilates' and I am utterly convinced that at 75, it will still be my workout of choice...and there will still be things to learn.

On Being a PYT...

2010-02-19T12:15:00.000-08:00

I usually date men older than myself. Not ridiculously older, but 4 to 7 years older (okay, maybe 9) is usually a good range. This is usually a good look because, at 25, I have significantly more substantive life experience than most women (and men) my age. I've lived on my own and away from family, raised a kid (this is an on-going project), gotten two degrees, etc...To boot, I'm pretty intelligent, have a above-average level of common sense and the ability to keenly interpret social cues. I know this. I am humble, but observant.**

[**I do know that because I am a woman, this will be perceived as arrogance. But hey...it is what it is]

Here's the problem with older men:
Older men tend to overlook or otherwise forget that you are actually a grown-ass woman and instead treat younger women like naive little PYTs without a clue what it's like out there in the big, bad "man's world." While I cannot argue that there are some naive little PYT's out there, it is both sexist and pompous to assume stupidity of any woman. C'mon gentlemen, we deserve at least the benefit of a doubt.

Yes, I know when you are running game. Yes, I've heard that before and no, I don't actually believe it, I'm just making you think I do. Ha, maybe I'm silent and smiling at you not because I'm dumbstruck by your superior intelligence and charm--maybe I'm laughing at you in my head. Maybe I'm not. Perhaps I'm just putting up with you when you decide to be "the boss" because I'm clever enough to know which battles are worth choosing, not because I couldn't back you down if wanted to. I could be biting my tongue because I don't want to hurt your feelings and not because I couldn't think of a good comeback. And yes, I picked up that innuendo, but I'd rather not have, so I'm ignoring it.

Etc...I will provide no more illustrations, lest I forfeit the advantageous pretense older men have afforded me.

Silly boys. I'm onto you...

Are you Him?

2010-02-16T22:36:00.000-08:00

This is my new approach to dating. It consists of two elements:

1. Deciding what "Him" should be. Not in a checklist kind of way, but in the sense of knowing what I'm looking for in a partner. How should I feel/What I should learn to accept/What I need to walk away from/etc...

I think I have a pretty good (but fluid) idea of what "Him" might look like. But I'm still getting to know myself as an adult, so this will be an ongoing process.

2. Being willing to ask the question "Are you Him?" without anticipation and/or fear of the answer. This means being open to new and unusual possibilities and also being at peace with closing doors.

This should be easy.

Hahahahaha!

Kate Nash: "Nicest Thing"

2010-02-15T21:36:00.001-08:00

Oh, to feel this way about someone...

Would it be good or bad? Or both?

Dreaming of Trains & Kidnapped Babies

2010-02-15T20:49:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that I was sharing a train car with a European family. It was a NYC-subway-like train car and I don't know where we were going.

Apparently I had a newborn son (specifically a son) and he was traveling with me. Somewhere during the journey I allowed the European family to hold or watch the baby and they kidnapped him.

Here began the frantic search for the baby (which was definitely mine because I was in a maternal rage). Friends and family became involved in the search that led to a large indoor playground of sorts - kind of warehousey - where I found the baby tucked away next to the European mother who was lying on a makeshift bed on the floor. The picture of this baby was very vivid. He eyes were open and he was wrapped in a blue blanket.

I remember an acute sense of relief, and then intense anger. I began screaming at the European mother and woke up right as I was about to beat the shit of out her.

Interpretation?

Train:
To dream that you are on a train, symbolizes your life's journey. It suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed in the right direction. Alternatively, you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will prove to work out in the end.

Baby:
To see a baby in your dream, signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies symbolize something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, helpless and/or uncorrupted.

Kidnapping:
To dream that someone has been kidnapped, indicates that you are not letting aspects and characteristics of that person be expressed within you. You are trying to contain and/or suppress those qualities of the kidnapped person.

Searching:
To dream that you are searching for something, signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life. You may be searching for love, spiritual enlightenment, peace or even a solution to a problem.

Finding:
To dream that you find someone, indicates that you are identifying new facets of a relationship. You may be taking the relationship to a new level and/or direction

Foreigners:
To see a foreigner in your dream, represents an aspect of yourself that is unfamiliar or strange to you. You may be neglecting or ignoring some important feelings or talents.

Screaming/Yelling:
To dream that you or someone is yelling, represents repressed anger that need to be expressed.

Yes Please: The Fascinator

2010-02-10T21:18:00.000-08:00

Oh my. I love this hat. I love the veil. I think I could pull it off. Yeah?

From Etsy.com

Rachael Yamagata: "Elephants"

2010-02-10T13:07:00.000-08:00

I first heard this song a few months ago but never took the time to really listen to it. It came up on my Pandora station over the weekend and has seriously rocked my world. The music, Yamagata's voice, and the lyrics to this song are so simple - but the essence is so profound. She reminds us, me in particular, that love should be kind.

The Unloveable Self

2010-02-06T12:56:00.000-08:00

I just assigned a friend the exercise of writing down three nice things about herself daily, before she does anything else. See, it is easy to love good things; it is easy to love those things that we can makes pros and cons lists of in which the pros blow the cons out of the water. It is easy to love things that are lovable. Thus, the assignment is one of creating a perception of self that is just this, lovable.

While I wouldn't argue with the idea that women generally have a tougher time with this than men, the Unloveable Self is not gender specific. It is about being human in a world that seems to require super-humanity. It is about a finite, yet fluid, set of standards about our minds, our bodies and our souls that makes living with ourselves a crusade against ourselves. It is about our perceptions of others - our comparisons - that make us unable to see ourselves for what we really are.

The Unlovable Self is positioned to be the scapegoat for why things don't go the way we want them to. It is because we are too dumb, too ugly, too fat, too needy that we haven't found what we are looking for. The Unlovable Self is dangerous because it is paralyzing. It kills our imaginations by setting those things in our life that we don't like in stone, making us unable to envision life any better. But the one thing we should be protecting is our imagination as it allows us to understand ourselves in the 'here and now' and see the potential for greatness there.

So, let's do ourselves a favor. Let's make ourself easier to love. Let's feed that imagination. Three nice things...

Here are mine for today:

1. I am a genuine and caring person

2. I am a keeper of my word

3. I look damn good in these jeans ;-)

..The Capricious Devotee..

4 Steps to Neurosis-Free Living....Ha!!!

2010-02-02T19:35:00.000-08:00

I used to pride myself on not being neurotic, but newsflash - I can be neurotic. This is not a good look, I know. So I'm taking steps to remedy this situation.

Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Remembering that not everyone thinks/feels/exists in the ways that I do. Projecting myself onto other people will never be helpful

2. Allowing situations and/or relationships to be what they are..."It is what it is" - recite and repeat

3. Not letting my imagination get the best of me, even if it is only for the moment.

*Side Note: So, I have a wild imagination. I blame it on my love of fiction and my mother's hippie-esque position on cable television. Alas, I grew up on PBS, Little House on the Prairie and lots and lots of books. My imagination reflects this and I can sometimes get a little carried away. While this mental voyage through lala land is always short lived, in the moment it can seem like either the sky is falling or expanding to unreasonable heights. So maybe learning to check myself wouldn't be such a bad idea.

4. Write it before I speak it. Put it down in my journal, let it marinate for a while and the come back to it later...and usually I find I sound like a dumbass. This one's just simple self-preservation.

Anything else?

..The Capricious Devotee..

The Natural Hair Care Routine - A work in progress...

2010-01-31T18:11:00.000-08:00

One of my resolutions this year was to learn how to better care for my hair - and actually do it.

The routine (in theory):

Wash hair once weekly...
- LUSH's Rehab Shampoo (once a month)
- Allafia's Shea & Virgin Coconut Enriching Shampoo (sulfate free to use the remainder of the time)
- LUSH's American Cream Conditioner (for now, but I'm in search of an alternative)

In terms of styling products, I'm a fan of Kinky Curly's Curling Custard & Carol's Daughter Hair Milk

Because it's winter and my hair takes forever to air dry, I'm trying Curly Nikki's Twist-Outs. I like, but I miss my natural curls...warm weather needs to hurry it way up.

Bottom line: I love my natural hair!

What to do when silly girls are your friends

2010-01-30T12:25:00.001-08:00

So, I've written a few blog drafts in the last 10 days, but haven't posted any. They have all just been so uninspired, it's sad really.

Anyway, here it goes:

I don't consider myself a silly girl. Sure, I have moments of silliness and/or occasional lapses in judgement, but in general I think I'm pretty damn cool. I try not to play too many games and I try to be conscious of how I am treating the people around me. I try to remember that life exists outside myself and that other people do not exist to be at my disposal, etc... So, what is a girl like me to do with silly girl friends? How am I supposed to react when they exhibit thoughtless/careless behavior that leaves me thinking "WTF?"

I'm writing this post because I don't have an answer to this question. It is really their fault that they're silly? Is it fair/okay that I judge them for their silliness? Where does the silliness stem from anyway and should I be helping them put their head on straight? Is this even a plausible undertaking? Probably not.

Thoughts?

..The Capricious Devotee..

Balance

2010-01-19T21:06:00.000-08:00

I need to get better at making time to write, even when I don't actually have enough hours in the day. I get frustrated when I don't write - the mind get's backed up. As my schedule's changed the last couple of weeks I'm working on balancing my life as-is. I realize that I can't plan for what its going to look like two months down the road, but I do have the here and now to make the most of.

So, as I'm thinking about balancing in the present I am also thinking about balance in regard to the big picture...

While I do consider myself ambitious - I'm a go-getter, really, I am - what is most important for me in the end is finding a successful balance. Even as I look forward to accomplishing a lot professionally, my measure of success will be how aptly I am able to strike a balance between those things I love. I refuse to be consumed with one realm to the collapse (or neglect) of others. Really, how fulfilled am I going to be with a killer CV if I've failed as a mother and/or have no one to come home to in the evening and/or haven't taken care of my body and have a declining quality of life and/or haven't indulged my creative whims and/or haven't taken time to cultivate authentic relationships?

Makes sense to me, but it's been my observations that many women equate the process of finding balance or taking time out for themselves to trivial "pampering" rituals that are substantively empty. Yes, shopping and pedicures are nice (and necessary), but they cannot replace time taken out for self-exploration/evaluation. Without time with one's owns thoughts and an investment in those things that our thoughts deem important, we will remain out of touch with what out balance really looks like. Hmm....

So these are just my thoughts on the matter..on balance, that is. What does this mean for me now? Well, for starters I need to make time to get into my own head. Without regular check-ins it's like wading through a murky sludge of un-triaged thought. It's tough. I will be better.

The Five Year Plan

2010-01-13T22:18:00.000-08:00

I started my fellowship this week, meaning it's back to the office for me. After a good six month hiatus from office life, this is going to be an re-adjustment. Goodness, I'm just not cut out for it and so...the five year plan is crucial.

Aya Consulting. Yep, I've named it already. It's going to be a firm specializing in small non-profit research and development. Performing research and finding funding for small operations that don't have the capacity to do these things effectively or efficiently on their own. Why? Well, I'm capricious (we've established that, right?) - so finding an issue or area that I'd be happy working on/in long term is pretty unlikely. Frankly, I guess I don't want to. However, I would love to be able to work on many issues and with the many individuals and groups that are doing innovative and important work around the world.

This way I would be master of my own destiny - working on my time, traveling where I wanted and choosing what I wanted to work on. Until then, I'm a cog in the machine as I pay my dues to build the experience, expertise and credentials I'm going to need.

Now I need a name for my Pilates' studio...

Substandard White Women? Not a Good Look, Brotha...

2010-01-06T13:03:00.000-08:00

" A lot of our ire about interrcial dating is about the seemingly different standards the Black men who date other women have for them as opposed to for us. On what planet would a Black 22-year-old domestic get to marry a Stanford grad who is one of the world's most successful athletes? Or the Kendra woman from "Girls Next Door": could a Black woman jump from Hugh Hefner's bed to the altar with a handsome pro-baller? What Black female could escape a sex tape scandal only to become a telvision star with a gorgeous, succesful boyfriend? Do you see famous or successful White men rolling around town with Black women of questionable accomplishment or ill repute? This isn't just celebrity territory, I've known men who had impossible standards for the Black women they dated, only to settle for the most marginal of women when they were of another race."

Thank you Sister Toldja...

I'm not against interracial dating. Really, I'm not. There is nothing wrong with expanding your horizons, but Black men - when having a hot little not-Black something on your arm becomes so important that it means dropping all standards, we have a problem. Seriously. Eeewww...

8 things that made me happy today:

2009-12-29T19:17:00.001-08:00

1. Coffee and a turkey/egg white breakfast sandwich

2. Responses to my Facebook post regarding how I like my men like I like my coffee

3. Organizing my store without interruption

3. Replacing the obligatory Christmas music with Teena Marie and Chaka Khan - Can I come back as Chaka (circa Rufus) in my next life?

4. Having my student's enjoy my Pilates' class

5. Hearing about Sadye's silly self from Ana

7. Organizing my life on paper...crossing things off the checklist

8. Looking forward to tomorrow night's plans...(why am I still bracing myself?)

25, Black and Terrified?

2009-12-29T17:23:00.000-08:00

Oh my, if I have watch/read/listen to another piece regarding the fact that I will probably end up alone with a great job, a great Fendi handbag and a dozen cats I just might [fill in the blank].

So, Black women's marital status has always been an interesting cultural preoccupation. First, we couldn't marry (we were property), then we should marry (we were welfare queens), and now we can't find people to marry us. 42% of Black women have never been married and the percentage just keeps getting higher the more educated and successful we are. It's rough.

Everyone seems to be getting in on the discussion - most recently, Nightline.

Scarily, one of the women in the feature was only 28. At 25, I'm close on her heels, so I guess I should be getting worried. Right? Well, I refuse. In an act of defiance, I will not allow the these "revelations" get under my skin. Although I ultimately want a partner, as a feminist/womanist/humanist, I won't let myself be defined by my marital status - that's not where my value lies.

However, even as I'm not getting my VS panties in a bunch, I am willing learn from what I'm what I've (or what we all have) been observing. So, what are the lessons?

- In dealing with our "bottom-of-the-totem-pole" position in society, we have had to do a lot of self 'uptalk.' Our successful Black girl mantra has been something in the vein of us being wonderful, beautiful, valuable, virtuous, worthy individuals and that's great. And although many Black girls never internalize this (or even really hear it), those of us that have need to be careful not to take it too far into self-absorption. Asserting our worth is an important part of enacting self-esteem, but we need to be careful to remember the worth of others - particularly the worth of men. When I'm talking worth here, I'm not talking about bank accounts, 401Ks or real estate, I'm talking about that which makes that person who they are.

- Yes, we don't need a man. However, maybe we should get better at being able say that we really would like one; that perhaps our lives would be richer with someone to share it with. Being able to confidently state our desire for companionship and intimacy is as important has our declarations of independence. I'm working on this...

- There's more to a man then his credentials (and his biceps). A checklist of "dealbreakers and dealmakers" may be a good place to start, but at the end of the day, people are complicated. Not everything can be accounted for, both good and bad, and we are probably overlooking some great men while overestimating some others when we rely on rigid externally imposed standards.

- Despite the daily recitations of our mantra, are we really okay being ourselves? No, the carefully groomed exteriors...are we really okay with whatever lies underneath. The good, the bad and the quirky. If we want intimate relationships, we have to be willing to let the "perhaps unrespectable" parts of us show....yeah? I think so. Ladies, let's work on being the most genuine versions of ourselves possible.

Hmm, what else...? There's more - I'm sure of it.

Renegggade....

2009-12-27T22:02:00.000-08:00

This came up on Pandora tonight and I'm feeling it tough...cause I'm Reneggggade.

"See, I'm a poet to some. A regular modern day Shakespeare..."

Okay, so I'm an Eminem fan. And?

Giggles

2009-12-25T22:46:00.000-08:00

Today's love horoscope. For kicks, but no sh*t...I like this one.

The celestial configuration may bring you closer together to a certain person with whom you have recently become romantically involved. Neither of you has exactly rushed into the relationship, yet you both have the intuition that you are meant for each other, and so time is not really an issue. You both feel secure in each other's company, and are very content to deepen the bond between you.

Christmas musings and another New Year's resolution...

2009-12-25T11:16:00.000-08:00

Christmas time can be a very selfless and/or a very selfish time of year. It can bring out the good, the bad and the ugly in us. Maybe it's all about 'togetherness,' it's a tricky interpersonal pool to wade through and it got me thinking...

I resolve to appreciate people for who they are and not what they can do for me.

People are so cool. What you see is almost never what you get - which is what makes life exciting right? So, I'm resolving to have self-less relationships this year. I want to enjoy getting to know people without expectation or objective - other than to find out who they are. I don't need to worry about how they're treating me, what they are or are not doing for me or how I am otherwise affected, because honestly, if I am enjoying getting to know them, they are probably pretty cool people.

So, I probably have a tendency to do this anyway. But this year, I am going to do it mindfully. It's frustrating to me that our society produces us to walk around engrossed in ourselves and only look to others for what they can add to our wealth (in a variety of areas). Do they make us happy? Do they treat us right? Are the good enough for us? What have they done to deserve me? Ladies, self-esteem is important and fantastic. We all need to feel beautiful, worthy, and valuable...but not at the expense of someone else (yes, even men). We are beautiful, wonderful people and so are others. We cannot ever realize the richness of the humanity in ourselves if we cannot see it in others - even others that are not doing anything for us.

I love Eartha Kitt because she sang songs like this...

2009-12-23T07:43:00.001-08:00

Great Article from Clutch Mag on us "Quirky" Black Girls...Don't hate on us!

2009-12-22T23:00:00.000-08:00

Black Women And The Black Women We Don’t Get | Clutch Magazine: The Digital Magazine for the Young, Contemporary Woman of Color

Commentary to follow when I get some time...

The New Year is coming, so...I resolve

2009-12-19T22:59:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how I feel about New Years resolutions, but hey - there are always things to improve on, so why not start on 1/1?

First off, I can't believe we'll be closing out a decade in less than dos semanas! So, what is it I want to be different this year? Here are my resolutions, in no particular order.

1. I resolve to write consistently...I can only use the frustrated writer excuse if I'm actually writing.
2. I resolve to be kind to my hair and my skin...learning to take better care of both because I ain't getting no younger
3. I resolve to only purchase clothing that I love and that looks amazing on me...no more "potential pieces" in my wardrobe.
4. I resolve to "do me" even when me doesn't fit in.
5. I resolve to work on identifying and addressing my personal relationship pathologies...and similarly identifying those things I feel bad about but that are not really pathologies at all.
6. I resolve to view men as potential investments not purchases...
7. I resolve to work-out at least 3 times a week in whatever form I want
8. I resolve to continue taking opportunities as they come...and making sure I am reading for them when they do
9. I resolve to be comfortable and confident in red lipstick

Hmmm...what else. I'm sure there's more.

What's really behind this "Experience" thing?

2009-12-19T09:31:00.000-08:00

It's coming down consistently and there's more to come. Shop is closed today, so no work. No metro today either, at least nothing I want to contend with. I'm effectively snowed in and bored - and it's only noon 30. Ehh...

Some of my roomie's folks came over to chill with us (literally, it's cold out) and I found myself sitting a room with three smart, passionate, educated Black women - all complaining about being under or un-employed. Bottom line: It's hard out there for us colored girls.

I think our convo today is a testament to the fact that racism persists - albeit in subtle ways. We were all complaining about not getting the jobs we wanted due to a "lack of experience" but is that the bottom line? What does it take for a woman of color to get this experience? What realities have prevented us from getting what we apparently need, but are lacking? And, maybe equally important, is our rejection really all about experience? While the latter is something that we will never find out, the former provides the opportunity for some interesting and important musing.

Maybe the financial restraints on many of us pursuing higher ed? In short, unlike many of our more affluent (white) counterparts, I would confidently assert that most of us have had to work jobs that actually pay - as opposed to experience building internships - in order to complete school.

Perhaps not having the same connections in regard to internships, first jobs, etc..., puts us in a position where 'experience' matters more.

What else would you add to the list?

Hair Resolutions, Relationship Games and Lipstick...

2009-12-16T12:13:00.000-08:00

Today is henna day, so I'm stuck in the house with a thick brown paste plastered to my head for the next 1 1/2 hours (I've already passed 5 of them). Just me, myself and my thoughts - which I'm not doing a very good job of keeping track of. Perhaps spending so much time alone, doing not much of anything makes it hard focus. But anyways, my thoughts are all over the place today. I need to write and have spent the last few hours trying to decided what to write on and have finally drawn the conclusion that this afternoon's post will be a brainstorm of sorts. So here is me, streaming my consciousness....

I've been reading up on my natural hair blogs (there are some great one's out there) and it makes me proud to be one of the brave few. I'm hopelessly lazy with my hair though, so I think my 2010 New Year's resolution will be to learn more about caring for it. My hair is aight now, but it could be magnificent with a little more TLC...

Moving on...

Relationship games. I don't like them. Hate them actually. But if you don't play are you just, in essence, benching yourself in a game that you have no choice but to participate in? Why can't we all just be up front and honest? Why can't we just say what we mean, mean what we say, and ask what we want to know? I don't know why not. But apparently even I can't, so instead I construct a litmus test like game to determine where a certain someone stands - as to not have to ask the question (or have a discussion) outright. WTF?

Maybe (probably) games are just our way of navigating the murky waters of human relationships (particularly romantic ones) where there are so many rules and so many pre-constructed/conceived notions of gendered behavior. For example: so as not to appear clingy aka needy aka crazy I, as a woman, am wary to bring up questions that could be interpreted as wanting to define a new relationship. Supposedly compulsive relationship definition is a 'pathology' women in general are supposed to suffer from, right? In reality I know I'm not clingy, needy or crazy (quite the contrary actually) and I am pretty much okay with the non-definition that's going on and just simply want to know the answer to the question "are you into me, or not?". Why can't I just come out and ask it?

Oh, so many reasons...

1. I'm lame
2. I'm chicken and my ego is fragile
3. I don't really want to know
3. I'm afraid of being perceived as the "typical woman, always tryin' to trap a man" or otherwise overbearing or pushy because...
4. Direct woman are often misinterpreted as controlling, bitchy, dominating, etc...
5. I don't want to change the dynamics of the relationship - it's good now and a formal conversation on the matter might make it awkward
5. Games are easier and seemingly less risky

Jumping off...

I really want to find a flattering red lipstick. I'm in a red lipstick kind of mood. I wish MAC were closer, because I'd absolutely go and get a consultation today.

To me, red lipstick signals an easy and natural sensuality that I'm working on embracing. Red lipstick is less about putting things on than it is about rooting yourself in, because when you're wearing red lipstick - that should be pretty much it (on your face that is). It is simple in a way that a carefully constructed 'face' is not, yet much more assertive and much less apologetic. Bold. Daring. Classic. Feminine. Seductive. Blithe.

It's on.

Henna Adventures

2009-12-15T18:54:00.000-08:00

I'm really, really lazy when it comes to my hair. I experienced a profound sense of disconnect when watching Chris Rock's film "Good Hair" because, as a Black woman, I am utterly and completely atypical. I spend about $10 to 20 a month on my hair and today, I decided to splurge a little bit on some Lush Caca Marron henna dye and I'm kinda excited about it.

I'm not expecting to get a whole lot of color from it, but it's suppose to give your hair a little bit more weight and shine. So, tomorrow (my day off), I'm going to embark on the labor intensive process of chopping, melting, applying, waiting on, washing out the henna.

Results TBA. I'll post an "after" pic.

More than a virtue, patience is a necessity...

2009-12-14T20:45:00.000-08:00

I've spent the last six months as one of the many, many DC job seekers. Most of us being new-ish grads, we were welcomed out of the college, or in my case, grad school hallways with substantial student loan debt and dismal job options. When I got here to The District in June I was optimistic and the possibilities seemed endless, right? There were non-profit jobs, think tank jobs, Hill jobs, corporate jobs, small start-up jobs. And yes, there were (are) jobs. However, there are so many more of us.

I searched and searched. Interviewed and was let down again and again. I was frustrated. So, so frustrated. I'm smart, I'm educated, I have enough work experience to give me a good foundation, I'm personable. So, WTF?

I got a call on Friday morning from the president of a non-profit working on Black women's health issues, which has a lot of programs geared towards Black women's sexual and reproductive health (jackpot!). She had remembered my resume from a position I applied for over the summer and wanted to talk to me about a short-term contracting position with them. Yay!

Well, today was the day. I went into interview with the programs director and walked out the happiest girl alive. Although it's just a short term contracting position, it's a position in the exact field and area, doing substantive work I really want to do. Although the last several months have been frustrating as all get-out, what I felt today while talking with the director was amazing. Having the opportunity to get my hands dirty doing the work that I am passionate about - the work that I would like to make a career out of - may just turn out to have been worth the wait.

Not every story needs a moral. Sometimes a story is just a story. But in this case maybe patience isn't just a virtue, maybe it is what facilitates us doing exactly what we should be doing in this world. Perhaps if we were never patient or if we never took the time to be still and wait, would be miss that which is being prepared for us...

Just thoughts.

Swoon Of the Day: Travis McCoy

2009-12-11T17:46:00.000-08:00

Okay...I like a man with tattoos. At least I like this man with tattoos. It's the playful bad boy thing that makes Mr. McCoy so damn sexy.

Just saw his new solo video and he's all do-goodie and stuff...hehe.

On Kindness...

2009-12-10T23:33:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I was emailed an article from the Washington Post on single Black women in DC. Sooo much to say about this one, really...it was a hot mess. But what it really got me thinking about was the seemingly simple concept of kindness.

What is it? What does it mean? Why do we employ it? Why don't we? Does it need to be genuine? And most importantly...WHAT'S UP WITH BLACK WOMEN WHO THINK IT'S OPTIONAL? Not okay.

Kindness makes us human. It's the logical progression and natural expression of human compassion, sympathy, empathy. It is NAMASTE, Ubutu...recognizing and deferring to the humanity in another. So, without it...we become less than human. We become machines.

Isn't kindness the foundation of any kind of healthy relationship? Yes, Black women have had to put up with a lot of shit - but in the end, losing one's ability to be kind, compassionate, and selfless pretty much bankrupts the possibility of finding or having fulfilling relationships.

I think many have forgotten that Black women's strength lies not in our ability to play "Super Bitch" or to bust balls, but in how we've overcome so much and managed to keep our humanity in-tact.

So, I'm hopelessly domestic and I want this apron...to cook in

2009-12-10T23:00:00.000-08:00

'Tis true. I'm terribly domestic. Not only am I okay with this...I would like to be domestic in this overpriced Anthropologie apron.

But make no mistake...I'm still down to f*ck the Patriarchy (and no, not like that...)

**Update**

I am now the proud owner of this very apron c/o DW... Going to be baking in it on Thursday (Christmas Eve). Yay! Merry Christmas ya'll.

Oh How I've Missed Corinne Bailey Rae

2009-12-10T22:28:00.000-08:00

Her first album, "Like A Star" was my Summer 2006 soundtrack...so good. I'm so, so, so excited she's back with new stuff. And goodness, she looks splendid...and her hair...*sigh* I'm in love all over again.

I've listened to this song over and over for the last hour and like it more every time...deep sh*t.

Night Women

2009-12-08T19:53:00.000-08:00

I was never assigned Toni Morrison's "Tar Baby" in school...ever. But because Morrison's work has always left me both emotionally and intellectually spinning, I decided a month or so ago to read what I had missed. In doing so, I've stumbled on what has been for me, her most compelling piece.

Unlike "Beloved" or "The Bluest Eye," "Tar Baby" is distinctly subtle. The images that Morrison uses to tell this story are violent in a different way...they depict a internal, intimate violence that lies deeper and more pervasive in the (Black) human psyche - and then again, perhaps within us all. As a Black women, the novel hit a particularly contemplative note with its dealing with the relationship between the two central characters and then, their relationships to the novel's other actors and their representations.

However, most striking were the images of the night women that Jadine (our protagonist #1) conjures up in opposition to her own identity - a collective representation of women or feminine identity that challenges her own constructed sense of self.

Jadine is a model and learned woman of the world who has been educated abroad and who is, at the outset of the novel, relishing the new seal skin coat given to her by her White lover. She is the orphan daughter of poor Black parents and the niece of Black domestic servants who have loved her enough to convinced their employer to become her patron (and now to whom they are seemingly indebted), but her self-identity is wrapped up in who wants to relate herself to, not to who she is actually related to (via blood or history).

The night women represent all that Jadine opposes; they represent the backward, the rural, the uneducated, the laboring, the hairless, the toothless of women that Jadine views as her adversaries. She imagines that the night women are judging her, her lifestyle, her decisions, and her sexuality as incongruent with the collective history of Black women and perhaps she is right. In living her life and in constructing her identity, she has forgotten the sweat, blood and tears shed by the Black women that came before her. She has forgotten to incorporate their pain and has thus, has created a polarity that need not and should not exist.

The novel ends with an old local Black Caribbean women telling Jadine's lover (our protagonist #2, who is in search of her) to forget her, because she has forgotten her 'ancient properties' - she has forgotten her essence. Without too many plot details, the lover mentioned represents Blackness or the essence of Black identity. He is the tar baby set to snare Jadine and pull her back into...[complexity still to be determined].

In my mind, this last paragraph the novel begs both a question and a position. The question: Have we as modern, educated, middle class Black women forgotten our ancient properties? Are we fighting our own night women that we should be embracing? The position: I (because I can only speak for myself) will not forget the night women, I will embrace them and remember my ancient properties.

But who are our night women? They are the baby's momma's in the welfare offices. The video vixens on BET. The homeless Black woman begging for change on the sidewalk. They are those women that society deems undesirable or even generally unassimilated into dominant culture. Those women that remain too close to the historical realities of Black womanhood (albeit not the only reality) for most Black women. In the quest to show ourselves worthy recipients of our degrees, our positions, our material gains, and in general, our status as "respectable Black folk," are we willing to throw other Black women under the bus - creating ghostly night women of our own?

It is a theme, is it not? Black women are notorious for their hostility and vicious competition with each other. My offering is that Toni Morrision has a lot to teach us in 'Tar Baby' about the complexity of the Black feminine identity, both in relation to other Black women and in relation to Black men. Like tar, her message is thick and her prose laded with the intense truth of our denials/betrayals of our own. I am learning. I am remembering (think of rememory). I am acknowledging the night women as an inextricable part of myself - my identity as a Black woman in tangled up in theirs/ours...

Thoughts...

2009-12-02T21:12:00.001-08:00

I don't like when I feel that I am not being taken seriously, but I hate feeling like I'm being taken too seriously.

There really isn't a significant difference between 25 and 30...

Music snobs annoy me...being one of 10 people listening a particular band/artist/genre does not, in itself, make you cool.

Sometimes I seriously doubt my own maturity level. I think I'm probably okay with that.

With regard to romantic relationships, I have no idea what I want other than a partnership that "fits." Should I have criteria? Should I make a list?

I have a hard time understanding people who voluntarily, and seemingly unnecessarily, put themselves on restrictive diets - I think I love food too much.

I think I should put on 5lbs.

Found the most perfect black leather clutch today at Urban Outfitters...On clearance for $10. Definitely a good investment.

I am really digging Nicki Minaj at the moment

I respond well to a healthy aggression.

Ode to City Life

2009-12-02T21:05:00.000-08:00

Buses that come every ten minutes

Trader Joe's on the busline on the way home from work

Neighborhood bars next door without signs but with board games

Dance parties in pizza carry-outs at 3am (I do not participate)

3am Pizza carry-outs

Meeting all kinds of folks from all kind of places

Good reggae bands on Wednesday nights

Cupcake bakeries

....

To Be Continued...

Guilty Pleasure: Forever - Drake, Kayne, Lil' Wayne & Eminem

2009-10-28T12:45:00.000-07:00

I would like this even better minus Kanye...he's just not necessary and his bit is pretty lame (as is he). I don't pretend to be a hip-hop connoisseur or anything, but Eminem killt this...seriously.

"I'm Hannibal Lector, so just in case you're thinking of saving face, you ain't gonna have no face to save by the time I'm through with this place..."

Good stuff...

I do appreciate Wayne's Space Jam reference...

Facebook, Virtual Aggression & An Awkward Moment

2009-10-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

"did u get rid of your facebook or just delete me as a friend?"

Awkward...

I got this text last night from someone that who had acted a little shady with me...so, yes I had deleted them as a friend. This is what I do when you irritate me or otherwise transition to my "not-so-good side." You will get deleted from my facebook friends' list, my cellphone address book, my gmail chat list and sometimes, I will even stop following you on twitter.

However, really..."it's not you, it's me." I find deletion cathartic. I'm not a person that cusses others out or that is comfortable acting actively aggressive and I usually try to keep passive aggression under wraps, but modern social-networking technology makes it oh-so easy to satisfy one's spite...virtually.

By deleting you as a friend I am cutting you off and I don't really care if you realize I've done it or not. It is a mechanism by which I signal to myself that I am done. However, I'll admit that done doesn't always mean 'done', done...rather it means I have relinquished the ball and put it the other's court. If they amends, okay. If they don't, that's okay too.

So they made amends and asked nicely and they were re-added (why this was important to them, I don't know), but it's probationary...

An introduction...

2009-10-27T22:34:00.000-07:00

You will notice that I like ellipses...

They leave a sentence open-ended in a way that is comforting to me. Sometimes periods are appropriate, but many times ellipses are the only way to communicate the fluidity of a thought - that it may or may not be complete...

The name of the blog, "The Capricious Devotee," is a oxymoron of sorts, but not. It is true that I am devoted to many things, one of which is being unapologetically capricious. After 25 years of life fighting to remain constant and faithful to something - a hobby, a style, a favorite music or color, a philosophical posture - I've given up on all but the crucial. I have finally accepted the fact that I am inherently fickle and should just learn how to deal with it.

Thus, this blog will be a hot mess - meaning that it will have no rhyme or reason to speak of. One day I may blog something akin to political genius and the next, Benefit lipgloss. My apologies, but go with me...