I am learning that self-revelation can be cathartic. As opposed to keeping all that “stuff” bottled up inside, there is something to be said for spilling your guts – perhaps not always, but sometimes. We don’t because we are afraid of the judgment of others. We are afraid of being revealed and adjudicated by someone who may, in turn, misinterpret us. We are afraid of what someone else might think and in many cases, we should be. Spilling ones guts should always be a selective process, but nevertheless – it is quite possibly a necessary one. Imagine how much simpler life would be if folks could occasionally “debrief” and not have to carry things around indefinitely.
Our pride also gets in the way, as we see it as inherently always already at odds with self-revelation, when in fact, it requires an tremendous possession of self to do it in the first place. You must love and be proud of your guts to spill them – you must value them to reveal them.
Self-revelation is for the self. The person on the receiving end, no matter how much they might deserve them, might not care for you guts…they may just step over them or step on them, but in the end…it is the fact that they are out that matters. Once they are no longer inside, they can hold little power.
Monday, June 28, 2010
"Today's planetary configuration means that you may feel more emotional today than you have for some time. You will be very aware that you have a great deal of feeling for one person in particular, and although you may have tried to rationalize this away, right now it is just not possible. It would be better to accept this, and perhaps to let them know."
Oh...is that was it is?
This last week brought the longest day of the year…the first day of summer. Not necessarily a new beginning, but a settling in of something. Summer is when existing things ripen.
People ripen too (I’m reclaiming the word) as hopefully with age and experience we become a deeper, richer, more satisfying version of ourselves. Given the right environment, nutrients and care, we gracefully transition from a hard, tasteless, unyielding object to something that can be appreciated, enjoyed and even loved.
This summer I turn 26 and I find myself with a lesson to learn, a lesson that will hopefully move me forward and closer the person/partner/parent/friend I am meant to be. It doesn’t feel good and, like the solstice, I know it will last a while, but I know that therein lays great potential for growth and ripening…so I suppose I’ll go with it (and quite frankly, there is nothing else to do but to go with it).
As much as I wish I could spell out this lesson in easy terms and/or create bullet points or timelines, I can’t…it’s messy. It is how I wrestle and work through this experience (ugh, it hurts) that will determine my outcome. It is the working through of competing and conflicting feelings as I try to reconcile my head, my heart, and my gut – and let me tell you, when these three don’t align, it sucks.
I hope that when the time comes when I can look up and realize I’ve made it out of this season, I will have something to show for it. Hopefully when I have made peace with myself, myself will be a better person – a wiser, more thoughtful, more loving, more discerning, more complete one. I hope that I will be a little closer to that riper version of me I am so looking forward to.