...You have to follow through...

Although he may be like so 2006, I really like Gavin DeGraw – and so, he occasionally comes up on my Pandora station. Just a bit ago the song “Follow Through” came on and, although I’ve heard it a good many times before, today it was profound. Why? Well, let’s explore.



“So, since you wanna be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through”

This song embodies that something in me that hates flakiness and hot-air. The motto is simple: Do what you say you’re going to do and if you’re not going to do it, don’t say it.” I expect nothing less than follow-though (or at least honestly attempted follow-through) on everything someone says as that’s the mark I strive for. Don’t always make it, but I try to acknowledge the times that I fall short – and make it known that it wasn’t for lack of trying. I’m an advocate for this being a value in everything that we do: with the people we date, at work, with our families & friends, etc…

“Follow though? Mmmkay…On every word I say? Whoa.” I’m gonna argue that this is the general attitude of most of us youngish folks these day. Follow-though is a foreign concept and holding people accountable elicits one of two usual responses: (1) blank stare or (2) anger. I once had someone ask me, what right I had to require that they keep their word. This would have been amusing if it wasn’t so sad. Why has become unreasonable to ask for someone to follow-through? Shouldn’t it be a requirement of anyone who choose to closely interact with – particularly when they’ve chosen you too? It’s simple responsibility…but no one wants to talk about that.

But let’s…

Words are powerful. They mean a lot, they can lift and carry and they wound. Words are real and too often we wield them without thinking about their gravity. We say ‘yes’ when we should be saying ‘no’ or nothing at all; we make plans and promises that we can’t keep and in turn, we disappoint people. For some reason, there’s an idea circulating around out that disappointing people isn’t our problem; that we are someone off-the-hook for the discomfort and/or inconvenience and/or hurt that we cause others. I dunno, maybe it’s from our yuppy, Me-generation, parents telling us how perfect we are – engendering selfish brats. Or maybe its just we’re emotionally lazy and it’s so much easier to divorce ourselves from others than it is to accept responsibility for them, for our words and for our failure to follow-though…

So how about it: Follow through…on every word you say.

On confronting insecurity...and therefore, on being human

Insecurity is a bitch.

It creeps up on you and effs with your head until you end up doing or believing something dumb. It's problematic if not addressed honestly.

Insecurity is also inevitable - it's simply part of the human condition. Anyone who denies dealing with it is either lying to you or themselves, or you and themselves. We all have those moments in time and/or areas within ourselves in which we just can't get it together enough to believe (really believe) we are worthy, or deserving, or good-enough, or acceptable or whatever. But, how do we deal?

Everything about us is imperfect, for sure - but isn't it all in how we deal with those many little (or big) idiosyncrasies that make us human? If so, I choose to fight this battle by reminding myself of what's true - in order to counteract those unproductive myths that foster insecurity. So, here it goes:

The good things that others see in me are probably true.

The bad things that others have expressed about me should be taken in context. Not that they may not be true, but that people with good intentions and truth to share do so with love, not negativity.

I am my own harshest critic and if I must be self-critical about anything, it should be about how I should often be kinder to myself.

It is okay to believe that I deserve really good things, because I do. It is also okay to accept good things into your life without guilt or fear.

Weapon of choice? Speak on it...

I See You

I liked the film Avatar for many reasons: I'm a geek and like special effects; I got to wear cool 3D glasses; Sci-Fi speaks to my wild imagination; the Na'vi were cooler than humans; I was sitting next to a cute boy. But beyond all of these obvious draws, there was something small, yet really kind of profound to take away: "I see you. "Yeah...maybe you missed that...

Well, I didn't miss it and I think speaks kind of deeply to our (21st Century "Western") tendency towards self-absorption. We really like people to see us, but we aren't so good at seeing others. We spend so much time and effort and concern on getting other people to see our specialness in lieu of ever taking the time to see their specialness (and no, not that kind of specialness). Think about it, when's the last time you were with someone and they spent more time finding out about you than they did talking about them? If you've had this experience in recent memory, it's probably safe to say you remember it because it happens so very seldom. But then again, when's the last time you spent time with someone and were more concerned with getting to know them then you were in presenting yourself? Eek, right?

Yet, beyond our shameless displays of self promotion (yes, shameless), all most of us all are also guilty of projecting what we want to see onto others because (1) it's easier and (2) we like to see what we want to see. We do it because it's easier to understand us than it is for us to understand "them". However, they are indeed not "us," so our projections only serve to create false facades where actual, complex, interesting, people should be.

So, what does it mean to see someone? Hmm, good question. Let's explore

Seeing is Selfless
To see is to put yourself aside. It is to defer self to another. We don't like doing that because by nature, we are attention whores and we like to know other people are thinking about us, because, heck - we're thinking about us. Yep, just because we're not all dancing on tables with our shirts hiked up doesn't mean we don't like being the center of our own and everyone else's universe.

Seeing is Patient
Hmm, how so? Well, seeing means waiting for the other person to reveal themselves - as quickly or as slowly as they may do so. This is hard because we often want what we want when we want it...and sometimes folks don't comply. How about we learn to just "sit back, shut up, and enjoy the ride" of getting to know the people in our lives. All will be revealed in time.

Seeing is Honest
Seeing requires the "see-er" to be willing to accept whatever it is that's there. This is tough because we like to lie to ourselves and see in people only what we want to. Usually this means reducing people to simple characitures (bitch, jerk, man/woman of my dreams, etc...). Being honest means acknowledging the complexity of what we see - the good, the bad and the ugly.

On Patience...for the sake of love and instrumentals

There is a reason that 1 Corinthians 3:14 starts out with "Love is patient...."

Patience just might be the most underrated quality ever required to make it through life. Downplayed to a point where it gets just kind of skipped...glossed over...forgotten about.

I'm writing on patience because I don't have much and need more. This last year has been all about growth and I have learned a thing or two about patience when it comes to waiting on things to fall into place. But I'm afraid, when it comes to having patience with other people, I'm quite lacking. This is obviously...a problem. If love is first and foremost, patient - this is something worth working out.

Having patience with others is kind of like listening to an good instrumental. I love good music and good musicianship, but I get ancy after a while when I don't hear what I'm looking for (lyrics), even when I know they aren't there. However, if I can take a some time and acquiesce to just listening to it for what it is, I soon find myself really appreciating and enjoying it.

Some more directed thoughts:

So, what does it mean to show patience with people? It means allowing other people to be who they are, and then...respecting it. Recognizing that everyone has their own paradigms, processes, and ways of doing things, patience means being okay with this - it means respecting the way another does life in the same way that I respect the way I do life. It means not imposing my "way" onto another under the guise of best-ness, "efficiency" or anything else. Many of us get paid to do this at work, but in our interpersonal relationships...maybe it's not such a good look.

Having patience with people also means surrendering to the fact that I will not always get what I want from them when I want it. This seems so rudimentary, right? But alas...I know I'm not the only person with this struggle. So many times we want people to respond, react, interact with us in particular ways and then, sometimes they don't. How about being more okay this? How about deferring our expectations until we have a better understanding of the larger picture?

Patience means being consistent when I don't feel like it. How so? Well, it regards to love...maybe it means deciding to love someone even when I wake up and don't feel like it that day. Maybe it means not giving passing sentiments precedence over allegiances. Patience may mean that "stick-to-it-iveness" that sometimes requires me to sit back and wait it out...(ugh)


So, I'm tapped...

Your thoughts on patience?

Nikki Giovanni's "Resignations" Blows My Mind...

I love you
because the earth turns round the sun
because the North wind blows north
sometimes
because the Pope is Catholic
and most Rabbis Jewish
because winters flow into springs
and the air clears after a storm
because only my love for you
despite the charms of gravity
keeps me from falling off this Earth
into another dimension
I love you
because it is the natural order of things

I love you
like the habit I picked up in college
of sleeping through lectures
or saying I'm sorry
when I get stopped for speeding
because I drink a glass of water
in the morning
and chain-smoke cigarettes
all through the day
because I take my coffee Black
and my milk with chocolate
because you keep my feet warm
though my life a mess
I love you
because I don't want it
any other way.

I am helpless
in my love for you
It makes me so happy
to hear you call my name
I am amazed you can resist
locking me in an echo chamber
where your voice reverberates
through the four walls
sending me into spasmatic ecstasy
I love you
because it's been so good
for so long
that if I didn't love you
I'd have to be born again
and that is not a theological statement
I am pitiful in my love for you

The Dells tell me Love
is so simple
the thought though of you
sends indescribably delicious multitudinous
thrills throughout and through-in my body
I love you
because no two snowflakes are alike
and it is possible
if you stand tippy-toe
to walk between the raindrops
I love you
because I am afraid of the dark
and can't sleep in the light
because I rub my eyes
when I wake up in the morning
and find you there
because you with all your magic powers were
determined that
I should love you
because there was nothing for you but that
I would love you

I love you
because you made me
want to love you
more than I love my privacy
my freedom
my commitments
and responsibilities
I love you 'cause I changed my life
to love you
because you saw me one friday
afternoon and decided that I would
love you
I love you I love you I love you

-- Nikki Giovanni

Re: Intention

Tonight during yoga, the teacher prompted us to set our intentions as we began our practice. Yoga teachers always do this and usually my intention is simply to stay present, as this is usually enough of a challenge--as before-mentioned, I am easily distracted. Tonight, however, I thought I'd try something a little different. So tonight I set my intention a little broader.

As briefly discussed in my previous post, I'm working on ridding myself of some shiny objects. I'm working on perhaps making a decision about what it is that I want and then I'm working on being intentional about making that thing work. (Okay, so maybe I might already know what I want...but I digress). Tonight I set the intention to learn how to care. Not to care about someone, but to really care for someone.

Although I've perhaps have been waiting around for this "care" to develop on its own--magically burgeoning out of daisies and two-buck Chuck--I'm beginning to realize that it will probably may require intention. So, what does it mean to care for someone? To be selfless and vulnerable? [Insert laden silence as we wait for our answer]...

Geez, I dunno. But I'm working on it.

Why? Well, because it might be worth it and in all, it is the only kind of relationship I can see myself in the long run.

Distractions & Shiny Things

I haven't blogged in a while because, well, life's been distracting. Not necessarily any busier than usual, just more distracting. Damn, it's all of those little things that clog my brain and make writing much more difficult than it should be. Where to begin? Well, let's start with last night...

So, yesterday I had a pretty great day. Spend the earlier part of it walking and brunching while in good conversation with the One I Like Best. This pretty much started my day off right and I felt no need to go out into the world and expand on it. I essentially spent the rest of the day sitting on my loveseat streaming indie romances on Netflix. It was a good time and around 11pm I decided to call it a night. Jump in the shower and when I jumped out I noticed that, in the meantime, a little facebook chat box had popped up from no other than the One I Was Once Infatuated With. (Brief note: This infatuation was short lived as it quickly became apparent that while we had great friend chemistry, there was no "spark".) We chatted for a bit and decided to hang out because that's what we do...we hang out. And this usually feels just like "hanging out." But it got kind of weird a half hour in when it really began feeling like a "date"...for some reason, there was chemistry, maybe even a little "spark". Eeek...this could be a problem. Or could have been a problem if I hadn't woken up this morning and realized that I kind of missed and really wanted to talk to the One I Like Best.

Indeed, perhaps I have passed the test: When presented with a exceptionally attractive man shiny object, momentary distraction is acceptable. But when your head snaps right back to the prize...well, maybe you've got something good.

On grand gestures the little things...

I am different. Perhaps a little bit off. But I appreciate the nuances of life more than those obvious delights. I live in a city and own a car, but I'd rather walk as to not miss those unique smells, sounds and sights of city life - those things that you can only experience on the ground. My neighborhood often smells like fried chicken, apparently loves Juanes and there is regular pattern of barber and shops liquor stores all down the block - but I would never observe these things from my car.

My point is that it is the compilation of all of those little things that allow me to enjoy it all. The grander things are great, but I'm of the persuasion that is not, nor should be how we experience our happiness. For this reason I am not a grand gesture kind of girl. To me, grand gestures are always too gaudy and performative and make me uncomfortable because, although they could be genuine, they are rarely organic. Grand gestures are akin to running errands in a car - while you get the experience of getting in and out of the car, you do not get benefit of the subtleties the path had to offer. And the path is where it's all at...aren't real relationships made up of those everyday experiences that we participate in within our interpersonal spaces? Isn't it those scents, sounds, feelings, words and remembrances that make the experience of being with someone else fulfilling?

Shouldn't our relationships be great just because...for no particular reason, but for a myriad of little reasons that add to something sorta remarkable. I think so.

Ode to Pilates'

I love Pilates'. It's great. I've been at it for about seven years and this month marks my two-year anniversary of teaching. I'm here at the Pilates' studio now, which is celebrating it's first birthday and thought it an appropriate time to reflect on it a bit in between clients.

Being the capricious creature I am, I have a hard time with commitment. I love commitment, in theory - but I'm easily distracted by things I find interesting...and I find pretty much everything interesting. However, every once in a while I stumble on something that I really do love - something I can stick with (I hope this is also true other areas of my life *wink*). Pilates' is one of those things.

There is something about Pilates' that is always interesting and always challenging. It is the kind of work (both as a teacher and physically, as a student) that meets me where I am. I am able to adjust my personal Pilates' work depending on how I am feeling at that moment - which suits me well.

Being able to see growth or progress is important to keeping my attention. Understanding the dynamic state of something means that the something is never really the same. With Pilates' I am always able to see my own growth - even how much stronger I am after practicing consisting for a week after a few weeks hiatus or bout of inconsistent practice. Thus, neither my practice nor my body is static.

So, I've formed a deep and lastly love affair with Pilates' and I am utterly convinced that at 75, it will still be my workout of choice...and there will still be things to learn.