On confronting insecurity...and therefore, on being human

Insecurity is a bitch.

It creeps up on you and effs with your head until you end up doing or believing something dumb. It's problematic if not addressed honestly.

Insecurity is also inevitable - it's simply part of the human condition. Anyone who denies dealing with it is either lying to you or themselves, or you and themselves. We all have those moments in time and/or areas within ourselves in which we just can't get it together enough to believe (really believe) we are worthy, or deserving, or good-enough, or acceptable or whatever. But, how do we deal?

Everything about us is imperfect, for sure - but isn't it all in how we deal with those many little (or big) idiosyncrasies that make us human? If so, I choose to fight this battle by reminding myself of what's true - in order to counteract those unproductive myths that foster insecurity. So, here it goes:

The good things that others see in me are probably true.

The bad things that others have expressed about me should be taken in context. Not that they may not be true, but that people with good intentions and truth to share do so with love, not negativity.

I am my own harshest critic and if I must be self-critical about anything, it should be about how I should often be kinder to myself.

It is okay to believe that I deserve really good things, because I do. It is also okay to accept good things into your life without guilt or fear.

Weapon of choice? Speak on it...

On letting go and making room for good things...

So, I unexpectedly find myself with a really good thing...actually, a really great thing.

I went somewhere random on a whim and engaged in a conversation just for the fun of it really and the rest is well...just what it is - goodness.

It was the day after this whimsical experience that I let something go, not to replace it with something else, but because I simply recognized that something had to give, even if there wasn't anything at all to fill the space left behind. But, you see, I had to release the one to experience the other, it was just the way of things. It didn't feel good at the time and was actually horrible and frightening and sad, but it opened up the space needed for what was to come next.

Some things just aren't good. Some things are painful and uncomfortable (not in a productive way) and ambiguous and other not good things that are bound to eventually outweigh any goodness that might be in them. We hold on to and sometimes even hoard these things (people, relationships, feelings, thoughts, etc...) for all sorts of different reasons that I won't speculate on here, but I'm a believer that we shouldn't. When something isn't good (or at least mostly good), let it go.

Let it go and make room for those good things that might come unexpectedly or in time or tomorrow or with patience and hope...I dunno. Just make sure that when a good thing comes to you, you are not too cluttered to receive it.

Birthday Musings: Part II

This has been a pretty fun weekend and I've been trying to come up with coherent, profound things the whole time, but alas, epic fail. Only more disparate thoughts. Or rather, as I would like to reclassify them - tidbits of unfathomable erudition.

1) Letting go is the easiest thing in the world to do. So, why it is also the hardest?

In theory to let something go requires no effort at all, but as humans, letting go of feelings, a person, a dream, a relationship, etc..., is just about one of the hardest things ever. Why? Well, I suspect it means letting a little (or big) piece of ourselves go with it and that's painful as hell.

2) Boys like girls in silly hats

Particularly if you wear it and own it. I dunno why...I should ask around and then buy more hats.

3) Problems arise when one person is sure and the other isn't. It is cacophonous and horrible.

Yeah, that's pretty self explanatory.

4) Staring at the two small mountains of laundry in the middle of my bedroom floor will not make them wash, dry, fold and put themselves away.

They have been there a full 28 hours now, maybe I'll get to it tomorrow (? + shoulder shrug). But hey, at least I sorted.

5) I am indeed a hopeless flirt, but once I'm in...I'm in. No worries.

It's a blessing and a curse and I suspect I get it from my dad, who is also a terrible flirt (grocery store checkers, church ladies, policewomen, my grandmother's elderly friends). I think as long as I find a secure partner (like my momma...but male) it'll all work out.

Goodness and Getting Ready

Good things come to those who are ready. Thus, it would make sense to be ready...and folks, I'm getting there. I'm freed up, with lessons learned and experiences to put under my belt and it feels kind of good. I'm closer to being able to receive those good things that are meant for me...make no mistake, there are lots of really good things in my future.

But getting ready is painful. Maybe it has to be, maybe it doesn't and I'm just hard-headed, but there is something about being in a space where you are conflicted and wounded and muddled that tenderizes and prepares you for something much better.

Perhaps it is developing the ability to appreciate goodness. Without having experienced the bad and the ugly, how can we truly recognize and value the good? Moreover, it could also be about preparedness: developing and exercising your own skill set (how to care and love and cherish and fight and be honest and patient and kind and discerning and all of those other things) in order to know what to do with goodness when it gets to you.

But probably most importantly, getting ready has a lot to do with getting to the place where you really - deep down in your gut - believe that you deserve good things. Not deserving from a position of thinking you're the shit arrogance, but out of the knowledge that you have been good - that you have practiced goodness. Striving for perfection is just silly, but there is something to be said for extending hope and encouragement, being kind even when others are not, putting others before yourself, coming correct when you need to, and doing your part to make things right when they are wrong, etc...

I suppose it would be tough to reconcile one's self with getting good things if you haven't given them - the only thing to do would be to reject and/or sabotage them. But with the above understanding in your headspace, I believe good things are inescapable. Yeah?

Aw, shucks...call me an optimist.

26th Year on Earth

I'm now counting down to my 26th birthday. Pretty exciting stuff. Birthdays are not such a huge deal to me, but I am genuinely enjoying getting older. Twenty-six is just another step in the right direction - every year I'm growing wiser, more gracious, more thoughtful, less silly and more comfortable in my own skin. Realizing I have a long way to go until that Susan Taylor/Toni Morrison/Cicely Tyson hybrid I aspire to develop into (aimin' high...lol), I'll take every year I can get because I am still green and clumsy and at times, still careless and silly and insecure. So, as I'm thinking about my impending birthday how about deciding on some things to work on this 26th year on earth.

Here it goes (in no particular order):

1. Accepting my body for what it is...and isn't.

So, I'm not "thick" or curvaceous or perfect. And...? There are still some selling points. No one but me expects me to be perfect and that's just silly. As long as I am being kind to myself and treating me right, I should be happy with what I have and what I don't have.

2. Being less reactionary

I react strongly - sometimes too strongly - to nouns and verbs and adjectives (basically, a variety of things). I'm kind of an intense person that feels things viscerally and many times it's a great thing. When something is good, I can appreciate it for all it's worth...like a mountain-top view or a swim in the ocean or time with someone I care about or just a beautiful day. But when something feels bad, oh goodness...it really sucks and I react accordingly (according to my experience and not necessarily according to how I should react). This year, I am going to work on taking a deep breath, or two, or three, or thousands before acting - even if it seems simple in the moment, complexity reveals itself in time.

3. Budgeting better

There are lots of things that I want to do and do them, I'm gonna need a trust fund a rich husband budgeting skillz...
Developing a reasonable budget that allows me to do some of these things (traveling, investing, paying off debt) and also has me putting plenty aside for a rainy day is a necessity. Now that I have a big girl paycheck to work with, this is definitely a priority...

4. Being more sensitive

Surprise, surprise...I'm a Cancer so this supposedly shouldn't be hard. I should be the pinnacle of sensitivity and empathy, but alas, I've been known to not do such a good job at picking up on subtleties. Perhaps the truth is, as a defense mechanism, I don't assume anything that isn't explicit...meaning that if someone hasn't said it or expressly put it out there, it doesn't exist. However, sometimes some things (feelings, thoughts, etc...) really do exist and I need do a better job seeing them. Maybe this is as simple as trusting my intuition or allowing myself to presumptively empathize with another person. How about trading "beyond a shadow of a doubt" with "beyond a reasonable doubt"? That might be a good place to start.

That should be enough for one year, right?

South Carolina and back again...on oceans and red dirt and stories

I randomly took a road trip this weekend and ended up in South Carolina. I enjoyed South Carolina much more than I thought I would - there was something about it that I found very appealing. If I ever decide to opt out of the rat race that is big-city livin' and take up some artsy, bohemian profession, I think I'll move there.

Here are my thoughts, for what they are worth:

1. Contrary to what I had previously believed, the Atlantic ocean is much warmer and more pleasant than the Pacific - making swimming plausible and actually enjoyable. This allows one the realization that there is something crazy delightful about ocean water.

2. The Southern folks on South Carolinian beaches are there for the experience and not to peacock around...they cannot be accused of vanity, which is a beautiful thing. Vanity, thy name is Californian.

3. The contrast of the rich green foliage and brick red dirt is splendid in a way that makes me want to live in a little white house in between.

4. People's stories are important and I heard a few of them: A biker on his fifth wife (who happened to have a tumor) was going to be cooking out for the 4th with his too-grown daughter and grandchildren. A displaced Southern housewife who hadn't had a vacation in years and dreamed of getting in the car and driving to who-knows-where. An seasoned jazz player and official South Carolinian ambassador of jazz who was helping to raise the baby grandson of his high school sweetheart - all after a full life of military traveling, teaching and music. They all had stories to tell and they told them.

In our busy lives in big cities, we minimize our stories in lieu of showcasing our status. Most of us urbanites would be mortified to expel our life story to a stranger upon introduction and are generally annoyed when others subject us to theirs. Instead, we'd rather ask and tell about jobs and titles and schools attended and vacations taken and neighborhoods lived in and all of the other things that really don't speak to who we are (only what we have or haven't accomplished).

So, what if we did the opposite? As the culmination of our experiences, our stories make us who we are - they are valid and significant simply because they are lived. Our stories are precious possessions that should be cherished and reflected on and shared and when we diminish our stories we are doing nothing short of diminishing the beautiful stuff about ourselves...and we can't have that.

So, what's your story?

The Question

Today I asked a question that needed to be asked.

It is a question that I have not felt the need to ask until today - sitting on the bus. At that moment I needed to know and so, rather than speculate about the answer, I asked. But I asked via email, which means I probably won't get an answer until tomorrow...

So, until then I have plenty of time to think about what it was that I asked and what I am going to do with the answer. So, here are my thoughts so far:

The question took a level of comfortability that surprised me. I'm thinking that the fact that I felt secure enough to ask it is a good thing. It means that I've develop enough of a relationship with this person to feel I had the liberty to ask it.

If I was less secure with it all I would probably be anxious about the answer - which, interestingly enough, I am not. Curious, yes. But I'm feeling okay with whatever it is that I hear back tomorrow...even if it isn't what I want to hear, I feel like it will be good to know and that I could deal with it.

Whatever it is that I receive in return, I believe I will have the truth and I can work with that. In knowing where I stand I will be able to chart the course that I am unable to make out right now.

The bottom line is that I have thrown part of myself out there into the universe and I hope it is kind to me.